a beautiful mess

Love Is A Losing Game

2011-07-25T07:01:00.000-07:00

RIP Amy! xo

Made My Morning

2011-07-18T02:31:00.000-07:00

The Boys of Summer

2011-07-18T02:30:00.000-07:00

The summer is in full swing. But with rain dominating our lives for the last few weeks, I'm aching for lazy days with less clothes and more accessories. What's your favourite summer accessory?

Trying to get into lower cut tanks on the side to show off my stars... having to watch the love handles though!

You can never have too many sunnies - I'm loving my wayfarers this summer.

Summer is the perfect excuse to get your kit off - guns and abs... every boys style trick.

The bigger (the hat) the better!

Switching it up with the double headband - courtsey of Shao's wardrobe. Need to get my hands on some - any ideas where?

Happy Place

2011-06-27T08:12:00.000-07:00

I couldn't sleep last night. Having had one too many Mimosa's at my friends birthday brunch, I came home in the evening and passed out fully clothed... I was even clutching my Blackberry and wearing my shoes still. Classy! I woke up at ten thirty and couldn't, for the life of me, return to absent consciousness.
So I counted sheep. I planned my work outfit down to the cologne that matched the shirt. I watched an old episode of Grey's Anatomy. I read the first chapter of Catcher in the Rye. And I even thought of having a night time tug. Nothing worked!
Fresh out of any pharmaceutical sleeping aids, I was about to resign myself to a Monday full of caffeine, when I suddenly slipped into a happy place. Resting my head between my pillow and the mattress, I was transported to an afternoon in London last month, where I had nestled myself into Mr Darcy's shoulder, his arm draped around my body. I recall that we were both hungover, festering in front of the television and as Darcy played on his iPhone, I slipped in and out of consciousness, feeling relaxed, comfortable and safe.
I held those feelings of that impromptu nap as I clutched onto my pillow last night... I could already feel my body getting lighter, slowly drifting off into a blissful slumber.
PING! PING! PING! The sound of my alarm clock bellowing down my ear and stealing me from my happy place. I swear I was only there for about 45 minutes... Needless to say, I consumed 3 coffee's today.
It may have only been a fleeting visit last night, but I'm going back to the happy place. See you there! :)

Somewhere Only We Know

2011-06-20T22:48:00.000-07:00

Unsent

2011-06-04T20:49:00.000-07:00

*This blog entry is coming to you via London, as I sit in Mr Darcy's lounge. I've been here for the last 4 days and will be here for the next two weeks.
To put it plainly, I'm happy. Really happy.
Though having said that, for the last few months I feel like my whole life has been in limbo. I've thrown myself into work and really tried to impress my managers but it seems politics have worked against my favour and i got passed over for a promotion recently.
Socially, I stumbled onto some personal issues with my close friends... It's hard when people don't see eye to eye but its even harder when those are the very people you expected to listen without prejudice. Long stories are longer stories when they involve a number of different people, but the short version is that I have to learn to give my friends the chance to adjust to decisions I make as much as I do.
Love life? Well this is why I'm writing my blog all the way from the UK. Since we last met, I still have not been able to shake that lovin' feeling for a certain English gentleman. I know everyone is probably thinking it's cuz I haven't met anyone that will help me get over it. But it's as the saying goes... When you know, you know.
And I do know how I feel, and I do know what I want but I guess the question is this... Is it how he (still) feels and is it what he (still) wants?
I haven't managed to broach the subject with him yet, mainly because I don't want to burst the bubble and I'm nervous as hell that he could just turn around and say that it's not going to work...
But for the time being I'm really happy. Happy to just be in the same country as Mr Darcy and happy to be spending time with him.

*London 2/5/11

Just Can't Get Enough

2011-05-18T00:18:00.000-07:00

Two and half blissful weeks spent in London with the charming, delightfully sexy, beautiful, engaging, inspirational and romantic hero :)

Je Vais Tu Dire Un Secret...

2011-04-10T10:01:00.000-07:00

There's no such thing as the perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they're perfect, you better run as fast as you can in the other direction. Because your soul mate is the person that pushes all your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit.
It's not easy having a good relationship. But I don't want easy. Easy doesn't make you grow. Easy doesn't make you think. I am thankful everyday that I've been with someone that makes me think. That's my definition of true love.

Someone Like You

2011-04-08T07:41:00.001-07:00

Can't get enough of this... so mesmerizing and beautiful!

Did You Know...?

2011-03-18T03:24:00.000-07:00

A Great Start to the Weekend

2011-03-18T03:15:00.000-07:00

Mister Sixty

2011-03-15T22:35:00.000-07:00

Organized a big birthday bash for my Dad's 60th over the weekend. There were plenty of surprises (decorations, speeches, presents, guests etc) - all in all a big success. Loved organizing all the little surprises last week and even though I'm going to live off a tin of baked beans until the end of the month, was happy to dig deep into my pockets to get him the iPad he's been dreaming of for so long. Was great to see my Dad so happy!

Sleeping to Dream

2011-03-06T06:29:00.000-08:00

Going The Distance

2011-02-22T02:28:00.000-08:00

Relationships are hard enough to navigate at the best of times. But long distance relationships are a beast to handle in comparison.
I have always dismissed LDR's, believing that they never work, that it's a waste of time and that all that can come from it is emotional turmoil. Consider that my first ever relationship with a boy, was conducted across the Atlantic - him in Boston and me in London. This bi-coastal affair played out over two and a half years and resulted in me walking in on him with another boy, whilst vacationing in Las Vegas ('Sin City' - how appropriate!). What happened in Vegas, certainly stayed in Vegas, as it's safe to say that the relationship ended very soon after. I swore off ever getting myself involved in another LDR, until last year, when I found myself living on the opposite end of the world to the other half.
But let's back track a little. Let's say you meet that special someone, the Earth moves, you get your lives all tangled up together, and then... one of you has to leave town. A lot depends on the length of absence of course - are they ever coming back; will you follow them later - and the strength of your feelings, but even so the options are generally pretty cut and dried: break up, or try 'the long distance thing'.

If your heart tells you to give it a go, the first (and for many foremost) of the challenges you face is the physical aspect. Touching your partner, whether it's holding hands or 'making love', is intrinsically essential for maintaining a bond. The most random fact that I know, is that a hormone called oxytocin is released alongside other endorphins, when we touch or are touched by people that we are attracted to/ care about. The touch of one's hand, broadly speaking, helps us feel comfortable and close to your partner, so without it, it is easy to feel somewhat disconnected.

Emotional separation is the other problem. I always used to ask myself if I could be a genuinely loving and supportive partner when I am busy living my life on the other side of the planet... Everyone experiences that terrible day at work where all they need is a cuddle and a shoulder to cry on. And while you may be prepared for the lack of that actual shoulder, expecting a certain level of empathy from someone a million miles away, (not to mention a challenging time zone), is a big ask.
The sense of living completely different lives also comes into play, especially if one of you has moved away and is experiencing a new city, meeting new people and changing as a person. The other partner will be going about their daily lives as per usual, making them feel somewhat distant and most importantly the dynamics of the relationship.
Of course each situation and each couple are unique to their own individual case. Relationships fail for all kinds of reasons and proximity certainly does not guarantee a close emotional or physical bond. It did cross my mind that perhaps the reason why things lasted so long with, my first boyfriend, was because we were apart for the majority of the year. Maybe we would've felt differently and things would have faltered much sooner if we actually lived in the same town.
I asked myself that over and over again last year but where would you ever be in life if you didn't take risks, and follow your heart. The bottom line is that you have to be confident in your own abilities to handle the situation, and be prepared for some tough times. A colleague of mine has been with her boyfriend for three years. The last year of that has been spent apart. She often tells me about her self-doubt over her capabilities in handling the distance, but I can see that she's got a strong, independent personality and admire how she can find her own way and fulfil her own needs.
When everything is said and done, it all comes down to communication. It doesn't matter if you're expecting the relationship to last for two weeks, two years, or the rest of your life - both partners have to be on the same page. Not explicitly defining the relationship and clearly setting the parametres can be catastrophic. Unless you're really honest about your feelings, the other person will never be able to completely trust. To make an LDR work requires complete trust, as well as openness and honesty about your feelings and intentions, a love strong enough to endure, and above all, faith that absence makes the heart grow fonder rather than makes the heart wander.

Thoughts

2011-02-14T02:14:00.000-08:00

1) I can finally relate to Bleeding Love ;)
2) Why do I now find it easier these days to make friends with people who are much younger than me?
3) Just listened to What Goes Around/ Comes Around and suddenly became :-/
4) Sick of the cold weather this year.. I want to get my tan on!
5) A little disappointed that it would be suggested that I introduce a boyfriend as my "best friend" to my parents. Surely they (not to mention the boy and myself) deserve more respect than that?
6) I love bonding with my Dad via electronics and gadgets.
7) It's awards season and every year (without fail) I still dream about winning that Best Actor Oscar! This year my fantasy has even detailed who I was wearing (Tom Ford FYI) and that I'm the first openly gay actor to get the gold.
8) I am addicted to social media (Twitter, Facebook etc)
9) With all the Valentine's Day flowers and gifts being bandied about the office, I have decided that I much prefer to give than receive... I love seeing the look on people's faces when they open the present, especially when you've got it right!
10) I wish we lived in a world where it was okay to hold a man's hand, and be affectionate in public without there being potential harassment.
11) Why am I finding it so hard to get back into my exercise/ fitness groove?! Please don't let me lose too much focus that I end up with the Cortes man-belly!
12) If I achieve anything this year, make it be acquiring a full British passport.
13) Recently came across a photo album full of my baby photos... If ever I had the desire to have my own child... this would be me coming around to the idea. I was cuutte! What happened eh?! ;)

A Good Start

2011-02-13T06:15:00.000-08:00

As part of the Chinese New Year, it is one of the traditions to go to the temple and pray to the God's to look after you and guide you through the year. I don't really know how it works but I've always been a bit superstitious and 2010 was a tough and challenging year, that didn't bring with it too many rewards, so I thought what could it hurt to get the the God's on my side in 2011.
My colleague brought me to the Tsuen Wan temple on the 10th day of CNY and we lit joss sticks and placed them outside before heading into the temple to greet the sixty (!) Gods and pray for a good year ahead. I was born in the year of the monkey, so I had particular attention to the God that was labelled number 57 - he looks over all those born under that sign. We also had to pay more respects to the number 28 God, because as I understood it, this is his year to preside over our well-being.

We had to line up for about half an hour as the place was packed! A few people ended up fighting about the poor queueing system but even despite being pushed and shoved a bit, I remained zen and tried to channel my energies in focusing on the future and remaining positive.
In front of each God, I basically introduced myself and wished them a happy new year. With the special # 28 and "my buddy" # 57, I had a "personal" chat with them about my dreams and aspirations, my goals and asked for their guidance and help to see me through the year. When it came to chatting with my buddy, I felt a wave pass through me and it was almost as if there was some acknowledgment or connection. I'm not really a spiritual person but it was a nice little moment and I left the temple feeling ready to head into 2011.
My colleague did say when we were leaving that its mostly in your mind - if you begin by thinking positively and going through your actions and decisions with this conviction, then you're off to a good start.

Blast From The Past

2011-02-03T01:07:00.000-08:00

Life was so much simpler back then... :)

CNY

2011-02-01T19:38:00.000-08:00

According to the lunar calendar, today is Chinese New Year eve. For me, that means it's that second chance to do a little spring cleaning and get your affairs in order. Just like turkey and stockings at Christmas, Chinese New Year in Hong Kong has a long list of traditions and customs. Many of the traditions have a similar flavour to those during Christmas, such as visiting family and exchanging gifts (Lai See). However, it is the superstitons that I always paid special attention to when I was growing up.

It was my step-mum who influenced me as the Chinese are firm believers in good and bad luck, and CNY is a veritable Russian roulette of luck. Although there is nothing you can do to change the inherent luck in your star sign, Chinese New Year is the best opportunity to bank yourself some luck for the coming year. From not cleaning the house *(you can see why I was so into these superstitions eh?!), to stowing away your scissors, everything is designed to bring success and prosperity for the coming year. And with such big aspirations and goals in 2011, I'm going to be paying particular attention this CNY:

DIRRTY - Put your feet up and relax. Certainly the most enjoyable of the Chinese New Year superstitions, sweeping and cleaning is strictly forbidden. The Chinese believe cleaning means you'll sweep all of your good luck out the front door. Before you can enjoy the fruits of your labour, you need to give the house a full spring clean, before putting cleaning tools in the cupboard on New Year's Eve.

THESE SHOES ARE MADE FOR WALKING - Make sure you avoid rough seas in the new year by not buying shoes over the holiday period. In Cantonese, shoes are a homonym for 'rough'. It is advisible to get new footwear before CNY eve ready to wear on New Years day.

HOT PANTS - Chinese New Year is packed with colors, and while all the colors of the rainbow bring good luck, it's the color red that is considered the ultimate luck bringer. Growing up, my step-mum always used to buy me new red underpants - this year I got some from TopMan when the folks went to Tokyo over Christmas. I have yet to wear them so come Thursday I'll be dishing around town in some brand new spanks! I remember thinking that was the best part of CNY - dressing up in your new togs. :)

BALANCE YOUR BOOKS - If you're in debt, it's time to dip into your pockets and pay people off. The Chinese believe that if you start the new year in the red, you'll finish it the same way. That reminds me to go to the hairdressers to pay off my account. ;)

SWEET YEAR - Hong Kongers have a sweet touch at the best of times, but Chinese New Year offers the perfect chance to raid the sweet shop, as eating candies is said to deliver a sweeter year. Are you starting to get why I love these superstitions so much?!

Absence Makes The Heart...

2011-02-01T02:11:00.000-08:00

When Bertrand Russell said, "To be without some of the the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness", I wonder if he was in love with someone that lived in a different country, thousands of miles away?

What we crave most in this world is connection. And for some people it happens at first sight... It's when you know, you know. It's fate working it's magic. And that's great for those people... They get to live in a pop song where love is like a dove, from high above.

But that's not the way it really works, is it?! For the rest of us it's a little less romantic. It's complicated, it's messy, it's about horrible timing, fumbled opportunities and not being able to say what you need to say, when you need to say it. At least that's the way it's been for me.

But if I had to do everything over with Mr Darcy, I don't think I would change anything. Admittedly I've been giving myself a bit of a hard time for messing things up but I've come to realize and accept that the nooks and crannies of our relationship make it all the more special. It makes us stronger and hopefully is what will carry us to a long life together.

Am I dreaming of white picket fences? Sadly yes. Am I also considering the possibility that things may not last past the 'Avey Cortes 8 month relationship curse'? Again- sadly yes.

But who says what is right or wrong and what the marks of a 'healthy' relationship is... surely it is what you make of it no?! Surely it's the little things about one another that make you smile; it's the small gestures; it's the big declarations of love; it's the french toast he makes for breakfast;

the little kisses you steal from him; the old clothes he gives you; the notes that you write him; the way he holds your hand; it's the whole caboodle isn't it.... it's you and him.

You Gave Me Paris

2011-01-25T03:15:00.000-08:00

The One Where Mr Darcy Came to Town

2011-01-23T05:26:00.000-08:00

I'm under the covers, with a fever, a cough and a snotty nose feeling horrible but underneath it all, I'm beaming from 3 days with Mr Darcy. Sure I've pretty much been crying non-stop since he walked through those gates to catch his plane back to London, but 72 hours worth of memories with my hot, charming tall drink of water is keeping me going...
For all you naysayers out there, I am not getting swept away by the impossibly romantic situation - two lovers kept apart by distance - This time, I can appreciate the time we spent together for what it is and really understand that the feelings I have for him are real. Very real.
I was bouncing off the walls on Thursday when he arrived, and I was elated to receive a massive hug from him that erred a little on the tight side (never let go boo!) :) I would be lying if I didn't admit to being nervous - Did he still have feelings for me? Were these few days going to be about 'goodbye'? Would I be finally able to admit that I was head over heels in love with him? All these thoughts and more raced into my head as we waited for a taxi.
We made our way back to the hotel room, which somewhat reminded me of the time we spent together in his house last summer. I originally had reservations for dinner... but without very much convincing from his side, we cancelled and spent the evening in bed with some wine, room service and of course the infamous 'coodles'. I was literally in heaven and waking up next to him the next day was amazing! Everything felt so effortless and the paranoid voice in my head was silenced by thoughts of how this guy was made for me.
After a lovely day at Ocean Park, next on the itinerary was a night out with my friends. It was really important for my besties like Lockie, Emma and Brad to meet Darcy. I didn't have any doubt that the girls would love him and amusingly enough, they were almost vying for his attention. The boy got good reviews and as Darcy said to me the next morning - it felt really good to go out with each other by our side. The next day was spent hung over in the sanctuary of our hotel room - but it was a perfect way to just be with each other. It was this and our trips to the grocery store, picking out wine and snacks, that abled me to have a wee glimpse into what life with him would be like... I had to catch my breath when those thoughts/ feelings surfaced.
I also hadn't really gambled on falling even deeper in love with the boy - but the way he would hold my hand regardless if it was clammy; how, according to my friends, he would constantly steal a look over in my direction - I didn't think it was possible to feel this way about someone.
About three things I'm absolutely positive of coming out of the weekend. The first is that I would do everything in my power to let Mr Darcy know how much I cared about him. Second, that this wasn't about romanticizing the situation, it was about accepting it and making a difference. And lastly,that I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
I'm probably gonna get some slack for the gushiness of this entry but I'm not ashamed to own these feelings. I whispered to him as we were saying our goodbyes that we would see each other soon... And I really do believe it.

Head Over Feet

2011-01-14T06:12:00.000-08:00

Progress

2011-01-14T05:57:00.000-08:00

It may seem a little premature to give you an update on my progress in my quest to be more of a respectable and responsible thirtysomething but I'm kinda proud of myself.
I haven't really felt a part of things since my return to HK and whilst spinning my arse off today in RPM, I decided that instead of feeling down, shedding a tear (who me?!) and over thinking things, I ought to practice what I preach and turn a positive spin on things.

Okay so let's take stock- I've made new friends. Some were people I knew before I left for Oz but now ties have been strengthened and through that I've met new people that I wouldn't have ordinarily been exposed to.

We may not be sworn blood brothers, but it's always good to meet new people... It helps quite a bit with the ol' social skills....

Which is perfect for work! I've always been pretty good at switching on the networking charm - it's all air kisses, small talk and waa waa waaa. But honing these skills in my personal life is fab cuz it means I genuinely mean what I'm talking about... Well 90% of the time ;)

On a day to day basis, I've been pretty diligent at the packed lunches and only spending money on my bus fare. I've toned down my attendance at social events for work - I used to go to anything and everything as long as it meant free champers or a bag of swag, but now unless I'm gonna actually gain anything from the air kissing and schmoozing, then I'd rather sip some tea (aka Pinot Noir) at home watching my latest guilty pleasures (Jersey Shore & The Buried Life anyone?!)
I might have to be careful with how many times I turn down my friends though before they just give up on me. I can kind of feel the ripples already but hold on lovelies, I'll be back next week with a huge beamer planted on my face and my party hat on! :)

I think the bottom line and the moral of this story is to just get on with it. There's no use in crying over spilt milk... I mean of course when drama ensues, it's fine to die a little first, but then when the dust has settled and your tears have dried, pick yourself up and deal with it. I think it was Obama that said "yes we can'" :)

How Oprah-esque do I sound right now?! Did I miss my calling as a life coach/ motivational speaker!

Paris Changes Everything

2011-01-12T03:09:00.000-08:00

We'll get there someday...

Happy Anniversary

2011-01-10T07:59:00.000-08:00

365 days ago, I embarked on a crazy, brave and exciting journey. For years I had talked about moving away from Hong Kong and doing something different, and 6 years after I started this chat, I finally took the plunge and moved Down Under. I can't say that it met my expectations, because I had no idea what I was doing and to look back on it now, it all seems like a dream. But I came out of the experience with valuable lessons learned and relationships that I will always treasure.
Whilst I was reminiscing about the move to Sydney, I started thinking about goodbyes and how hard it was to leave my best friends and family last year. The last supper with Brad, Emma and Amanda was particularly heartbreaking and I even get choked up to this very day thinking about that speech I gave at the end of the meal... the scary thought that lingers is leaving my loved ones and letting go.

So here I am, 12 months down the line, back where I started. Things are the same, yet at the same time they are very different. As I've said many a time, I will never forget my Aussie adventure and I learned so much from it, but I don't quite know where to file my thoughts/ feelings on the whole chapter. I suppose that's because I kinda wish I was still there... I can still taste some of the memories.
But... look back, don't stare. 'Straya will always be there and its like a short-lived relationship, I got out before anyone got hurt.
And so I've come full circle.... I know we're only 11 days into 2011, but I feel as if another adventure is around the corner... what it is exactly, only time will tell.

Out with the Old...

2011-01-02T06:09:00.000-08:00

2010 came and went - 365 days of friends, family, fun, new experiences, life lessons and a couple hundred bottles of champagne. It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets... but I am determined to not let them fester. We spend most of the New Year walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up lists of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives, not looking for flaws but for potential.
2011 is going to be a good year and I vow to work my hardest to see that it is. So I started the year as I meant to go on - with good friends, a positive attitude and a whole load of sparkle. Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right!

Photos courtesy of Lucas Luraka & Sharon McMillan

New Year, New You

2010-12-29T19:00:00.000-08:00

It's kind of weird to think that this time last year I was gearing up for my big move Down Under. Twelve months on, I'm back in Hong Kong and my life is pretty much the same as it was when I left. That’s not to say that I haven’t learnt anything or grown in any way from my experiences in the past year. I read this quote the other day:

"The greatest tragedy is to have the experience and miss the meaning"

The nine months that I spent in Sydney opened my eyes to a whole world of possibilities. Not so much in terms of career, which is what I spent most of my time trying to focus on. But it really helped in my relationships with my friends, lovers, family and in particular my mother. I’ve always tried to put myself into her shoes and spending time with her, I got it. I got that she was only treating us (her children) the only way she knew how - she was only doing what her own mother had taught her. When someone does wrong by you, the hardest thing to do is to forgive them and wish them well at the end of the day - I know that I managed to achieve that in the short time I spent with her.

Anyways I digress - my point is that whilst I do somewhat regret leaving Sydney earlier than intended, I am appreciative of the experience and I gained so much from the time there. I would always be wondering and questioning if I didn't make the leap to do it...

The same can be said about Mr. Darcy I suppose. I remember the thing that went through my head over the summer, when I was considering the move to London was that I have nothing to lose. I lost sight of that attitude and I have promised myself that, moving into the new year, I'm going to go into things with that gung-ho approach.

So as 11/1 was my goal for last year, I have formulated a new six month plan for 2011. By 1/6, I plan to be that thirtysomething year old that has got it together... "they" all say that your twenties are about having fun and figuring things out; and your thirties are where you have it all sorted and start setting yourself up for the rest of your life, for your "happily ever after". This time the end goal will become a reality, even if it kills me (or depletes my social life) in the process.

Yup my friends, maturity, is my new middle name. If I can see the wrongs and make right out of bad situations, then I know that I'm on the right path. So are you with me?

*Forgive the elusiveness of my 6 month plan folks - a boy has to keep some things to himself. ...Or rather, I don't want to jinx it. ;)

Truly Madly Deeply

2010-12-25T10:06:00.000-08:00

Brad.
23, Designer

When we first met, I remember thinking he was wearing all salmon, and being quite put off by that, before I realized it was just the lighting in the club. I knew from our second date that I wasn't interested in any other boys and that I really liked him, but we're both completely different. We're both really driven, so we get quite a good work/ romance balance, but he's really confident and outgoing, whereas I'll get embarrassed easily. Myles is the one person who can really make me laugh at myself. I think I proposed to him on our third date, when we were drunk. It was so embarrassing. I just remember us being in Legends and me getting down on my knees, and them getting soaked on the wet floor. I remember asking him, and everyone turning around, and him not answering me. He never has! I definitely would marry him, and I've never thought that about anyone before. There's just a complication with the surnames. My name is Dykes and his is Storey, so Dykes-Storey would sound like a lesbian novel!

Myles.
23, Works in advertising

My first impression was that he has red hair and was good-looking. After that I stalked him on Facebook but he was trying to be aloof. We bumped into each other for about six months, and then one night we saw each other and I just shoved my hand down his pants and wanted to be his boyfriend. I'm a complete shameless old sow, and he was the only person who interested me at all. We went on actual date the next day. At first it was quite awkward, but then we warmed to each other and it was the best date I've ever had. He's a really nice, honest guy, and it struck me when we first went out how driven he is, which I find really attractive. I'm the one who always wants to go out and he doesn't as much, which is a good balance. I'm not a sappy kind of person, but I first told him I loved him early on when I'd been to London for the weekend. Next time he'd made his bedroom all romantic, which is not my kind of thing, but it was cute. I've never been a boyfriend kind of guy. With Brad it just felt like a natural progression.

Text courtesy of ATTITUDE

Something to aim for (ie - a success story) and something I relate to (ie - faux wedding proposals, red hair) ;)

Hello Goodbye

2010-12-24T23:10:00.001-08:00

This year Christmas came early. It's been 5 long months since I have seen Mr Darcy and in that time, we have swooned, we have gushed, we have fought, we have made up and we have broke up. Yes, we have broken up. The fairytale, as they say, is over. But why does it feel like I'm still living in it?
Mr Darcy came into town for a fleeting visit - Originally we were supposed to spend a whole day together but because of the crazy snowstorms in London, his flight was postponed. His flight touched down around 10am and he took off at 7pm. So I had a full 5 and a half hours to spend with the boy who has literally taken my breath away.

I can't even tell you how good it was to see him again and how good he was looking!! My boo! :)

I felt so safe and comfortable holding his hand and kissing him... I didn't want to let go. I don't really know what the future holds for us but at the back of my head, all I kept thinking was 'don't throw away the best thing that has happened to you'.

Ever since we "broke up", I have been uber bummed. Everything in my life is a bit, for the lack of a better word... mehhhh. I don't want to sound like I need a boy to function, because I pride myself on being independent and self sufficient. But, Mr Darcy just brightens up my world.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since he left... walking away from him whilst he was getting on the train yesterday was so hard. I kept turning around expecting him to be walking away with his back towards me but he was staring right back at me waving the entire time. I could feel all of my emotions building up and as soon as I saw that he was on the train and I got on the escalator, I crumpled.

I'm not dwelling on the mistakes that I made in our relationship that lead us to where we are at right now, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to be without him. It was different when we were apart over time and space but now that we are "officially" apart, it's... well.... it blows.

I fell asleep last night with a warm fuzzy feeling though - I got to hold Darcy and be with him and really appreciate him for who he is and what we had/ have. Even if it was for a mere 5 and half hours it was the best Christmas present... Ever.

Can't wait to see him for 3 full days next month!

Time Goes By So Slowly

2010-08-04T23:52:00.000-07:00

It's been nine days since I left London. Or nine days since I've been apart from Mr Darcy.

Nine. Long. Days.

That's two hundred and sixteen hours of being consumed with constant thoughts - wondering what he's doing, what he's thinking, what he's eating, what he's wearing... you get the picture.

Mostly though, it's been thoughts of how much I enjoyed his company and how much I'm going to enjoy his company once we are finally in the same country again. I got a drunken voicemail from him the other day where he rambled on for 4 minutes about how into me he was and how he couldn't wait till we could start "our lives" together. It was endearing, amusing and... do I even need to say that I swooned?!

The plan (in my head) is to leave Oz in a few weeks, sort stuff out in HK, whilst saving money and convincing my old job to help me bag a role in the London office. All this in time for Mr Darcy to swing through town to pick me up on his way back from his Xmas hols down under. I make it sound simple enough, so I hope the universe doesn't throw me any curve balls along the way.

The more I think about the fabulous life in London we'll have, alongside all the dogs, cats, tropical fish, black babies and micro pigs, it just makes me yearn to start that life now. I know I'm verging on being an obsessive love struck teenage girl, but as I face a possible 5 month slog without seeing him, it's a big part of what will keep me going.

So here I am, sat in my bedroom in Sydney, Australia thinking about my boyfriend who is probably just waking up to start his day in London, England... That's 9 hours and 10,553 miles (probably) apart. For two people who are so in sync mentally with their feelings and attitudes, how is it that they find themselves so out of sync in time and space?!

Home Is Where The Heart Is

2010-08-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

Last month I embarked on a 3 week holiday to Hong Kong and England. The main purpose of the trip was to go to Amy & Jimmy's wedding and my sister Veronica's graduation in the UK. As I literally live at the farthest end of the world from them, I thought it would be the perfect time to stop over in HK to catch up with my friends and family. I arrived at the crack of dawn on a Saturday, where Brad picked me up from the station and whisked me off to one HK's institutions - a weekend junk trip. The sun was shining, the drinks were flowing and my friends... oh my friends, were by my side! There was more cause for celebration in the evening as I attended Amanda's 30th birthday dinner - more booze, more laughs and more friends. As if that wasn't enough, I caught up with more mates out on the town for what else... but a few drinks! And this was only Day 1...

Taken on the airport express to Central... I had the biggest beamer on my face as I took this. I remember thinking... 'ahhhh home sweet home!'

Me, Loretta, Victor, Beth and Brad on board the mega yacht for Loretta's bday.
It's thirsty work out in the sun - straight vodka with coke zero chasers... why we didn't just make vodka coke is still a mystery to me?!
Me and the boys heading out to terrorize South Bay.
A couple of Margaritas and we're climbing trees!

More friends enjoying our boozy brunch at Zuma - free flowing champagne and bellini's... the trick is to order 2 at a time!
We couldn't get enough of the bubbles so we headed to the new rooftop bar Sugar at the East hotel... champagne for everybody!
For some reason I was obsessed with free Wi-fi during my trip... I found that Hong Kong has the most hot spots, the best being on Repulse Bay beach!
4 days was enough to catch up with everyone and not have the bubble burst. It made me appreciate the city more and proud to call it my home. I'll be back soon HK!

Me and Mr Darcy

2010-07-30T04:05:00.000-07:00

The last time I visited London, I couldn't wait to get back home to spend time with the boy I had just started dating. This time around, I begrudgingly got on the plane after spending the most amazing week with Mr Darcy... yes Mr Darcy! I didn't see that one coming either!

My 3 week trip to HK and the UK was all about my best friends wedding, my sisters graduation and getting away from the somewhat difficult life I had carved out for myself in Australia.... but out of leftfield, it also became about my feelings towards this boy that has literally stolen my heart.

I arranged to meet Darcy on a Friday night and because of his flighty nature when we first met, I didn't really expect too much. So to my surprise, he turned up at Cargo in Shoreditch, where I was having drinks with a whole bunch of HK friends. Clutching his motorcycle (!) helmut and dressed in a leather jacket, I swooned when I first saw him. I was pretty nervous to see him again, because of all the things he said to me when he left Sydney and also because I still secretly had the biggest crush on him. I really tried to push those feelings aside after he left but I would secretly fantasize about this romantic notion that we would keep in touch, he would move back to Sydney and we would live happily ever after. But I was able to reason that it was just that, a fantasy.

Cue to me clutching onto him on the back of his scooter, roaring down the streets of London, my head screaming about how impossibly romantic it all was. Then back at his, he drops the biggest bomb on me by telling me he still felt the same way about me and gee... wouldn't it make more sense if I moved to London (to be with him) if I wasn't enjoying Oz and didn't want to be in HK!!! Pause for effect... !!!

A lot of that conversation is kinda blurry to me now, but I remember feeling very comfortable with him and being surprised at how much we were still in sync with our thoughts and feelings. Essentially I walked away from that night thinking that Mr Darcy and I want the same things out of a relationship and if something is worth having, why heck, shouldn't you just go for it?!

The next morning I went over to my best friends house whilst she and the rest of the bridal party were getting their hair and make up done. I stole what I thought was a private moment with Lockie and cooed that Mr Darcy had asked me to move to London... I obviously wasn't as quiet as I thought I was being, as the girls in the next room broke out into screams and demanded I start from the very beginning. How's that for irony - on my best friends wedding day, I'm the one regaling them with my own love story!

At that point it still didn't feel real to me... but over the next few days, I felt myself growing more and more attached to him and the idea of making a proper go of things. We talked more about me moving over to London and one of the things that drew me to him, is how open and upfront he is. I feel like I have been getting better with this part of my own personality, independently, but because he is that way with me, it's definitely made me put more of myself out there for him.

I had to leave London for a few days to go to my sisters graduation in Bristol, and whilst I was somewhat pre-occupied with family stuff, I couldn't help thinking about him all the time. I got back to London on the Monday and had the whole day there before I flew back out to Sydney on the Tuesday. We had arranged to have a date that day because whilst we went out in Sydney, it was mostly just getting drunk and being silly.

To be fair, we got pretty drunk on the date, but it was nice to just sit down, share stories and get to know each other more. We went to some bar in Brixton and polished off a bottle of Rose whilst we talked more about "us". I swooned all the way through drinks and dinner... at one point I did check myself to question whether I was just getting swept away by the romantic nature of the relationship, but I know my feelings are real because they have been there for a while now and I was scared to admit it and did my best to push it away.

I know I'm coming off a bit of a gushing fool, but I trust my feelings and trust Darcy's. With my last relationship I was very careful not to talk about any of it, until I knew that it was "real" and I ended up getting hurt so badly that it put me off ever wanting to be in a relationship. But after having met Mr Darcy, all I want to do now, and all I ever seem to do is talk about how lovely and amazing a person he is and how into this I am.

A friend asked me to tread with caution because I don't really know what his intentions are... but even though I am slightly nervous about up rooting my life for him, I feel like I don't have anything to lose. Australia hasn't been the dream that I thought it would be; I don't really want to go back to Hong Kong; I've lived in London before and loved it; have friends and family in the UK and By-George I really like the boy!

Leona's "Bleeding Love" plays out in my head whenever I think about the whole situation because I know that there will be some people thinking "WTF?! Avey would never do anything like this!?"

But even though I have no idea where we're heading and how things are going to play out... I'm willing and ready to take this journey with him. I think it's about that time... I more than deserve it!

...By A Thread

2010-06-06T06:43:00.000-07:00

I read this quote today - " Life is simple. You make choices and never look back"

But since I turned 30 a couple of weeks ago (shudder), it seems like that is all I have been doing - looking back. The biggest thing has been what have I accomplished in my thirty years - what have I got to show for? There is no white picket fence; no holiday house in the Hamptons; no husband... heck I don't even (currently) have a job that I am proud of.

Uprooting to Australia was one of the biggest decisions I have made in my life but I was so excited about turning over a new leaf and starting fresh that I didn't really stop to think of all the things that I would be giving up. My friends, my family, my job... my life as I knew it. And I have really been thinking, why did I leave all of that behind to live thousands of miles away from my loved ones and work 7 days a week serving people coffee and eggs?!

My Friday nights usually consist of work in the evenings after which I'm usually too knackered or peeved to socialize, so I mostly head home so I can get up early to work out in the morning. Last Friday was no different other than I decided to treat myself to a glass of red wine whilst I caught up on my Hollywood gossip blogs. I ended up in a three-way conversation on Skype with two of my favourite friends, Brad and Hannah. It was so good to hear their voices and it was like old times. I took comfort somewhat that things are not what they used to be socially for us since we all scattered to different parts of the world, but mostly it made me yearn for those close bonds that we formed.

Then to add insult to injury, the next night after work, I was chatting to my flat mate who asked me what I was doing with my time in Sydney when it appeared I had such a good lifestyle back in Hong Kong. My head had been swelling with these thoughts prior to him asking but hearing it out loud from another person really hit me.

For the last twenty four hours I have seriously been contemplating going back to Hong Kong and just wiping the slate clean. I have had so many people tell me that there is no shame in doing so, but I have never been a quitter and at the back of my head I know I need to fight when the going gets tough. But I just want to feel safe again, if that makes any sense... I feel as if I'm hanging on by a thread. Coming up to the six month mark, the things that I found intriguing and exciting about the city, I now find foreign and intimidating.

I know I previously said that I would work in McDonalds if it meant that I was living in this great city, but I'm feeling lost and I don't quite know where I am heading, what I want to do and why I'm here. I do know this... that I am learning a lot about myself and life. So even if I end up back in Hong Kong after the year is out, I can at least take away that this experience has made me more open and sympathetic.

My focus at the moment has been on setting myself short term goals - I've devised a new budgeting plan for saving money, paying bills etc; I'm working hard on my fitness with my personal trainer and am looking to redefine my physique (slowly but surely I'm told); and last but not least is the all important relationships... building on the small number of friendships I have established here.

I don't want to lose focus of these tasks because I am down but it's hard with this nagging voice that almost seems to be demanding some reasons and results. I've always prided myself on being able to pull myself out of a rut... I was told recently that I have a strong personality and am fiercely independent... I just need to find the strength and courage that seem to have gotten lost along the way.

*NB - It has come to my attention that the quote that sparked my desire to write this entry is in fact from the motion picture "The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift". How very "Avey"! ;)

Sydney Ink

2010-05-18T05:16:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I booked myself in for a tattoo. I have been wanting to get this particular tattoo for a while now and even planned on doing it on my recent trip to Miami. But somehow it didn't happen, so with the big move to Sydney, I figured the perfect opportunity to get inked would be for my upcoming 30th birthday. I shopped around for a good tattoo parlour (*Is that what they call them?!) and eventually settled on a cute place in Surry Hills. Sam, my tattoo artist, seemed to get what I wanted and took a lot of care in designing the stars as I wanted them.

I invited my good friend Oli for support but mainly for a catch up. I didn't realize at the time but chatting to her was completely what I needed to distract me from the pain. Though admittedly there were points during our conversations where I would lose focus of what she was saying because it was so painful! The whole process took about 2 and a half hours but other than the aches from lying still for so long, it didn't feel too long.
After it was finished we made a beeline for the nearest cafe for some much needed coffee and more gossip! It was a perfect day and I was glad to spend it with Oli... it made me miss my best friends, who actually inspired this tattoo.
One of the things on my 'To-do before I'm 30' list was to get a tattoo of something that was special to me. Barring getting someone's name inked on my body or a portrait of my friends, I thought about a blog entry that I wrote earlier about my friends being my lucky stars. I wanted something that represented the five people that have touched my life the most and contributed to making me the person that I am today. So for Amy, Amanda C, Amanda L, Emma and Brad... this is for you. Wherever you are in the world, I have you by my side, and know that through thick and through thin you are behind me. I love you guys!

NOTE - It's worth mentioning that the talented Oli, took these amazing photos of the whole process! Thanks Oli - HEART!!

Sydney A-Z

2010-05-18T04:29:00.000-07:00

Since I moved into the house in Darlinghurst, I noticed alphabet graffiti in and around the neighbourhood. I found it both amusing and compelling. There's a different story behind each word and I always find myself wondering, who is responsible and why they chose the words they did to represent each letter. Below are a few examples that I managed to capture - there are a few that have been scrubbed off, my favourite one being - K is for "Knuckle sandwich" :)

I have made it my mission to get all 26. Let's see how many I can find...

N is for "Nelly"

W is for "Wunderkind"

J is for "Jealously"

M is for "Motley"

O is for "Opus"

U is for "Underwear"

The One Where Mr Darcy Comes Clean

2010-05-09T20:53:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe the night I've just had. Mr Darcy has come out of left field and hit me with a surprising revelation that I honestly didn't see coming. We arranged to meet up on Sunday night and I was astounded to find a message from him early on in the evening. So literally about 15 minutes after I finished work, he told me he was on his way over to meet me and without delay there he was standing at my door beaming.

We sat catching up over a few drinks and I remember being taken aback when he asked me if I had pulled on a recent night out that I had just finished telling him about. Whilst the question caught me off guard, I didn't give it too much thought until later on in the night when he started enquiring if I had any other men on the go, or if I enjoyed being a boyfriend or having things more open. I answered his questions as best as I could but couldn't resist asking him what prompted such an interest in my love life.

And that's when he hit me with it... He confessed to having, "a big crush" on me. My knee jerk reaction was to tell him how I felt like I had a curse when it came to boys - meet someone, make a connection and then someone leaves so it is somewhat impossible to make a decent go of things. At this point I'm not sure if he understood what I was getting at so he kind of retracted into being embarrassed to have made the evening's tone "heavy". So I quickly returned the affection and admitted I had the same feelings towards him. We talked more about how these feelings may have been heightened because he is leaving and that despite his plan to come back to Sydney next year for school, a lot can happen in that time. Nothing was really set in stone as to what we wanted to do with these feelings but every so often he would break out of the conversation to tell me what he liked about me and when he realized that he liked me for more than "just a bit of fun" - apparently he saw through the fact that other people think I'm unfriendly on first impressions and knew that I am a little shy and self conscious right off the bat... for some reason he finds this an incredibly attractive quality.

Thinking back on the rest of the night, we were really in sync with each others thoughts and we joked around freely, learned more about each other and just enjoyed each others company. My last memory of the night was falling asleep in each others arms... I don't think I've ever done that with anyone, as I always lie there thinking when the other guy will actually fall asleep so I can get comfortable. But this just felt so natural.

Admittedly in the harsh light of the morning, I may have been a little more reserved than the night before. I woke with my head full of thoughts and questions - Was everything that was said real or was it the alcohol talking? What does this mean for "us" in the future? Should I even be entertaining the notion of an "us"?

There hasn't been a goodbye as such yet, as he went off for lunch with his friends and said he was going to call me on his way back... he hasn't called yet, which I suppose I shouldn't be surprised about. I don't know how to feel or how to react now... which reminds me of something he said last night. Whilst addressing his "flakiness", he said that if he was living here, he would probably would be coming on a lot stronger. Should I just take my cue from that and put myself out there? I mean I so easily without a second thought, revealed a bit about my painful family past. Surely from past experiences, this means that (a) I'm growing into someone who can trust and (b) Mr Darcy is someone worth trusting.

My first real connection with someone here in Sydney and he's leaving :( Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Love Actually

2010-05-05T06:31:00.000-07:00

I've just skimmed over some past entries on my blog and it must seem like I am quite the err... one that gets around. From hMSg to hMg; BoBFoC to Mr Darcy... it's just been a bit of a Jambalaya of boys boys boys! Now dear reader, if you know me but at all, you will of course know that this blogger is just a boy looking for another boy, asking him to love... err... him.

Love is a funny ol' thing eh? We spend all of our time searching for that perfect person to spend the rest of our lives with. It's in the movies. It's in the music that we listen to. Love IS actually all around. Yet why is it so hard to find?

I feel like I have found love a couple of times. No one will ever replace that feeling of 'first love' and whilst I don't really have much contact with the 'love' in question, I still look fondly on the time we shared and can appreciate what it taught me. The last guy that I fell in love with was the guy that I gave all of myself to... I worked really hard at the relationship and tried to do things accordingly from past mistakes. I really put myself out there for him and I ended up paying for it quite dearly. Still, there is no bitterness towards him, and despite the fact that we aren't the best of friends and that we have exchanged quite a few undesirable words, I will always have time for him. He taught me how to trust myself, and I know to a certain extent that this is true with each relationship you have, but I believe I am different person because of him.

I always used to ask myself what kind of 'lover' I am - I'm definitely not a player, nor am I complete relationship whore. I want to be in one but I don't really want to go looking for it. If it comes along, then great, if it doesn't then why can't I have fun along the way? Someone recently told me that they felt like I am one of those people in the clothes shop that knows what they want but has to try on EVERYTHING to see if it fits. I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable with that analogy but at least they didn't say I was a slut!

I look at all my close friends, and my family and I always envy what they have. Two of my best friends in the whole world are getting married later this year and I can't even hold down a relationship for longer than months at a time. I've always wanted to bring home a boy to meet the parents, someone they can really accept as part of the family.

It's a hard old nut to crack but I know the issue is not to force it. Coming up to that milestone birthday, has really made me reflect on these kinds of things though and it is without any expectation that I will plough on... staying true to myself and what makes me happy. Of course I am writing this to the sounds of the Elephant Love Medley (from Moulin Rouge) ;)

The One Where Mr Darcy Redeems Himself

2010-05-02T06:28:00.000-07:00

Mr Darcy. Mr Darcy. Mr Darcy. Where do I start...? I don't know what it is about him, but I can't help myself from going back. Even after he repeatedly flaked out on me, I went back for an unexpectedly amazing time with him. It all started with an innocent chat on Facebook, (which he initiated I might add), whereby we got to know each other a little better and I jokingly gave him a ribbing for being a flake. He asked me to go out with him on Friday night, and we made arrangements to meet up after I finished work.

I bounced out of the restaurant after my shift ended and gave him a buzz to check where we were meeting. Not surprisingly he asked if we could meet a little later as his dinner was running late. I tried not to roll my eyes but was glad to have the extra hour to take my time to get ready and have a little pre-date drink. We finally met at around midnight and headed to Nevermind on Oxford Street. I had such a good time... so much so that I would rate it as one my all time Top 10 dates!! It was one of those dates, where the conversation flowed; the flirting wasn't about getting each other into bed *(although that was really a given!); there were all those romantic moments of hands accidently (on purpose) touching, and turning away "outsiders" who came into our situation;... and the kisses... oh the kisses!

Mr Darcy scored points for his attentiveness, his genuine interest in my thoughts and opinions, our common interests *(he likes Cheryl Cole!!), the way he identified with my future ambitions and how he artfully asked me to seriously consider doing that course at University of Sydney that I was looking at, so that we could be "mature" students together *(he is planning on moving back to Australia next year).

We moved the party back to my house and stayed up chatting more, kissing more... :) The next morning we woke up cuddling and literally spent hours in bed doing much of the same - talking, making out, spooning etc. It was SO nice because I immediately felt comfortable and I didn't want the time to pass by quickly so he would just leave, like I normally do with casual relationships. He laid out his plans for the rest of the weekend and said that he would like to go out with me on Sunday night but he was forewarning me that he had to be part of an intervention for his alcoholic mate so may not be able to commit. I had to kind of laugh cuz he was just being flakey and didn't even realize it... but I thought the sentiment was sweet. What do you think, dear reader, am I just too charmed by him to even spot his flakey game playing? Or should I just shut up and enjoy the moment?

We didn't end up meeting last night but I seriously just took it that we wouldn't and was in bed before midnight. So I was pleasantly surprised when I got a message from him today asking me how I was and if I was working tonight. I was at work so only replied a couple hours later telling him that I was just getting off work, so was free in the evening. However, true to form, I have yet to hear back. Sigh... it's almost like one step forward, two steps back. But I am silently hoping that everything that I felt, he did too.

I know this 'relationship' is almost like the last few that I have had... I make a connection with the guy and then someone leaves so it's near impossible to work on something long term or serious. Distance is a bitch!

I am trying to take this one at face value but I remain quietly hopeful about this one... come on Universe, I need to break out of the faux-lationship pattern!

Keep your eye on the prize

2010-04-26T06:47:00.001-07:00

I'm trying so hard to budget. I have always been terrible at saving and I find myself, less than a month away from my 30th birthday, with not a penny to my name. I guess part of moving to Sydney was to also give myself some fundamental life lessons to straighten up and fly right.

My best friend in the whole world, Amy, is getting married in London, this July. Out of all my close friends, she is the first of us to make that kind of commitment and walk down the aisle and there is no one happier and more proud of her than me.

Moving Down Under was no cheap task and I'm surprised I was able to pull it off, given my financial track record, but I am now left with the potential dilemma of not being able to afford a flight to London in the summer. I got the wedding invite in the post a few weeks ago, and a flurry of confetti exploded as I ripped the envelope open. It was then, that I vowed to do everything in my power to save money for the flight. I seem to be losing sight every now and then but I came across someone recently who was in a similar situation and I have been inspired by this fella to really take responsibility, though a beautifully formatted Numbers spreadsheet kind of scares me.

I woke up this morning to this...

2010-04-26T06:34:00.000-07:00

Beautiful bright blue sky! It made me want to sit and enjoy the city.

When people don't understand you

2010-04-26T04:07:00.000-07:00

I'm bummed. I can't really put my finger on why but I walked around the city aimlessly today, finding pretty and comfortable places to read and write. I clutched onto my book and my moleskin like they were an extension of my body and once I saw grass, trees, sunshine... or food, I sat down and alternated between reading about vampires and writing down my thoughts, verses, lists of things to do etc.

I often try to steal off on my own for at least half an hour to do this... I've come to realize that I am quite a loner and that I treasure and often times prefer "me" time to being around people. From as far back as I can remember I have had to look after myself so I have never been afraid of being alone - it is true what they say that it's somewhat typical of being a man.

Sydney in Pictures- Part 2

2010-04-12T04:17:00.000-07:00

Sydney, I Love You!

The Gap Park at Watson's Bay... reminded me of a cross between San Fran and the Olympic Park, Washington (which is where Twilight is filmed).
Spent my day off on Coogee beach reading The Twilight Saga: Eclipse ;)

Goofing around with Phillipo on a night out with my bestie and Hong Kong visitor, B-rad, who is apparently not a fan of the chin-ups...

My street - Womerah Avenue in Darlinghurst. It's so pretty!!

I love the Blue Spinach (at the top of Liverpool and Womerah Ave) - it's just so... blue!! :)

I'll give the Stonewall this... the Boylicious dancer that shook his buns to Get Sexy, was HHHHHHOOOOOOTTTTTTTT!!
Catching some rays in my fave park in Rushcutters Bay.

B4 30

2010-04-12T01:42:00.000-07:00

I recently came across a list I made of things I wanted to do before I turned 30 years old. It's not the most exciting list - if I have left off things like 'climbing Mount Everest', it's because I'm saving that for my B4 40 list! :) With a little over a month left, I think I'm doing pretty well considering I've already done a few on the list

1) Re-connect with my mum and make an effort to get to know her and build some sort of relationship with her. I can't make it to 30 having not enjoyed simple things like going to the grocery store or grabbing a coffee with her.

2) (Stop just talking about it and actually) relocate to a different country (eg - Australia, USA?).

3) Run a half marathon/ marathon.

4) Learn how to drive.

5) Be more proactive (eg - with meeting new people, meeting boys, saving money, planning etc).

6) Be more open with people - don't hide and repress my problems, emotions etc.

7) Be more positive.

8) Read more - books (fiction & non-fiction), the newspaper etc.

9) Ask for a guy's phone number (eg - I'd like to be able to ask a random guy that I find attractive for his number/ give him mine with the idea of going on a date. If they can do it in the movies, then what's the harm of doing it in real life).

10) Get a tattoo to celebrate something special in my life.

11) Get in the best physical shape I have ever been in my life.

So there you have it. I've definitely done # 1, 2 and 8 (and yes it does count even though I'm reading The Twilight Saga!) and with # 5, 6, 7 & 9 being works in progress, I think I'm definitely on the right path. It may be a tall order to get in all ten in the next 40 days but watch this space, it's going to be a busy few weeks! :)

Drama Follows Them

2010-03-31T03:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't written an entry in ages for the simple fact that I have just immersed myself into Sydney living. So to make a long story short, after my last blog, I made the conscious decision to stop feeling low and make something of my time here. Eventually after lots of back and forths, I finally found a cute room in a house share located in Darlinghurst, which is just a stone throw's away from Oxford St. I share with two guys - Steve (an older gay who seems to be just figuring stuff out) and Tory (a Korean chef at the cafe I work at). My room (pictured) is just perfect - I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Shortly after I moved in, the part time jobs started coming in -I currently work in a cafe, a restaurant and do some general office work. I'm still on the look out for something more "grown up" but to be honest, I would work in McDonalds if it meant I got to live in this fabulous city. It's so laid-back and relaxed and I can definitely feel some of that rubbing off on me. Except where boys are concerned though...

I've been on a number of dates but none of them, except h'B&B'g, have been Aussie. Anyways to pick up where I left off and get to the point of this boooyyyyy blog entry - i never got any responses from my texts or calls to h'B&B'g, so in the end I threw in the towel with the my love philosophy of 'anyone would be lucky to be with a guy like me' engrained in my head. So I do part time at a restaurant on the weekends and randomly he came into the resto one night. I didn' really get the chance to speak to him as the resto was rammed and he wasn't in my section. But the guy he was with played a big part in me not making a play for him again - dude and him were all coo-ing over a bottle of wine with interlaced fingers, making eyes at each other etc. It was one of those moments that gave me flips in my stomach but I just got on with work until I got a text from him after he left saying "thanks for ignoring me".

THIS from the guy who never answered my calls and texts?!?! How does he figure that?! So I wrote back saying that i was at work and wasn't HE the one that ignored my messages etc . After a whole bunch of texts were fired back and forth, h'B&B'g shows up outside the resto when we're closing up. It was like a scene in a trashy Hollywood teen rom-com! He's all in my face about hurting his feelings blah blah... it became a huge scene, with people stopping to see if HE was okay!! There was yelling and he was slightly physical with me - grabbing my shoulders and trying to "reason" with me. Then suddenly out of nowhere, the boy actually tries to kiss me!! Now I never hooked up with him previously and at first sight, I would've jumped at the chance... heck to be honest, a part of me partly pursed my lips in anticipation but the sane person in me went back to work and told him if he was serious then he would call me at an appropriate time and place. He immediately said he would call me the next day to take me out to brunch to make it up to me... I have yet to hear from him.

The other boys that I have caught up with have been English. One of them lives in Newtown and despite there not being much chemistry between us our second date resulted in some pretty rated time between the sheets! :) The other English cad I've been playing with is also not someone I would ordinarily hang out with - he's quite annoyingly posh, he's the unfortunate owner of a 'chiquaqua' and borders on being a ginger. Yet there is something about this 'Mr Darcy' that I am drawn to - his achingly cool style, the meek yet confidently authoritative voice and the way he doesn't make me feel like the passive Asian.

After having a fun evening of drinking and getting to know each other, I was surprised to get a whole bunch of messages from him the next day and the day after that. He even added me on Facebook and was adamant that we meet up again soon. A sucker for anyone that pays me attention, I suggested heading to the beach one day. But after I hadn't heard back from him when we planned to meet, I packed my bag and went out on my own - I eventually got a message from him saying he left his phone at his friends and which beach was I going to. So after a few more messages, I was left with him saying he would call me when he was on his way.

I enjoyed the beach and soaked up the rays and engrossing book. However, 3 or 4 hours passed and it was coming to the end of the day. I decided not to look like an annoyed partner and nixed messaging or calling him to demand a reason for being stood up. He did message back but it was a pretty lame excuse of babysitting and having to go for dinner... At what point can you not pick up your phone and let me know? Why does it have to be after the fact?

I was somewhat distracted from 'Mr Darcy' by one of the regular customers at the cafe, who had apparently told my manager, that he thought I was cute. I was suddenly transported to the 'they like you' innocence of the high school. Being pretty shy about that kind of stuff, I just batted my eyes lids, smiled and pumped my manager for more info. From the little that I learned, I only flinched over the fact that he was younger than me... but who isn't these days?!

'Mr Darcy' managed to win some points by messaging me out of the blue the other day and we made plans to meet last night for some eats, drinks and fun! :) However, as if on cue, there was a message waiting for me on my phone when we were supposed to meet saying that we would have to skip dinner because he didn't realize his friend was cooking for him etc. More excuses followed and after a few hours of waiting, we finally met up. I was a bit more self conscious this time around, only because of his flitty nature on the last few occasions. But a few vodka sodas later and we were soon sharing a kiss on my back terrace.

I don't know if I will see him again, but one thing is certain, there is sure to be a trail of drama that follows.

Up

2010-02-01T03:52:00.000-08:00

This is hard. I was under no illusion that moving my life to a whole new country would be a walk in the park... but one thing I've noticed is that the older I've become, the more set in my ways I am, making this a bit of a rollercoaster ride. The last time I tried anything like this, I was in my early twenties and I was fresh faced, eager, unfazed and excited to see what else was out there in the big wide world. Eight years later, there is still that eagerness and determination, but I've been in the Hong Kong bubble for so long, that my laurels are rested and somewhat cripple.

It's been a little over 3 weeks since I've been in Australia and I have been really proactive with finding work and a place in the city. I've applied for loads of jobs, been to a few meetings with contacts that I made in HK, got in touch with friends of friends that I was intro'd to prior to my arrival, met a few potential flatmates, seen a few flats, and even been on a couple of dates. All this, so I can really integrate myself into the city and the scene. None of it is wasted, cuz at best, it's good to meet people, make contacts and practice my interview skills etc. It's all perfect life experience... like I said it's only been twenty odd days... but as time goes by, I am feeling more nervous and frustrated.

I was offered a job in Sales and Marketing last week. I was over the moon and I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when they called to offer me the position. But as the first few days of training and initiation went by, it was quite clear that what they had advertised and offered on day one, was not what I would've ended up doing. They told me that I would be working on events creation and marketing but what it ended up being was working as one of those people on the street that try to get you to donate a dollar a day to Save the Children. Now I am not opposed to doing casual work or starting at the bottom, but I was led to believe that I would get a base salary and on top of that commission on any new clients/ sales I bring in... What they turned around and said was that it was 100% commission based. At that point I threw in the towel... I couldn't justify traveling to work every day, work my arse off and potentially not make any de-niro! So back to the drawing board...

I consoled myself that weekend by keeping myself busy and socializing. On the Saturday, I met an old school friend who was passing through town - we had a lovely pub lunch at a beer garden in the Rocks and guzzled a few jugs of lager. After a relaxing afternoon, I decided to stroll back to my friends place only to discover that (1) I was pretty tipsy and (2) that I was lost. I'll mostly put it down to the fact that we had put away 4 or 5 jugs of beer but I remember having so much fun being lost and exploring... After a while, I sobered up and found my way back to Oxford Street. Once there, a pretty, dark hair, bright-eyed hottie caught my attention... Walking in the opposite direction as me, we locked eyes and as soon as we were within one meter of each other, he says, "Hot body!" I slowed down, turned and smiled... he winked and kept on walking with his two friends.

With a spring in my step, me and my "hot" body went on to a birthday party... I had only intended to go along to this, to get myself liquored up to calm the nerves before heading out on a date with a blonde hottie. But I actually ended up enjoying myself... after meeting some friendly Aussie's and discovering the joys of Wild Turkey's American Honey (on the rocks), I quickly re-applied some trusty Lucas pawpaw and trotted off to meet my date.

The date was somewhat of a setup... and by set up I mean online ;) So I'm in a new city and I don't know any gay guys... it's just the easiest way! :) Anyways for continuity sake let's call this buff and blonde hunk - h'B&B'g. So with the first few messages, we established that he was not looking for a hook up, he was from Melbourne (ehhhhh again!), he was into Asian guys (including 'guys like you') and he was up for meeting to 'see where it goes'. So with my best pair of skinnies, perfectly coiffed hair and my best flirting techniques up my (rolled up) sleeves, I rocked up to the chic wine bar in Surry Hills to find him beaming at me through his dirty blonde hair, which was swepted across his forehead.... SWWOOOOOONN!!

Anyways it was a decent first date (or so I thought)... we were both chatty, no awkward silences, mildly flirty and there was plenty of eye contact. But the somewhat lame goodbye, may have indicated that he wasn't as interested as the "you're cute" eyes I assumed he was making. I decided to leave it a few days and earlier on, I text him to say I had a good time and if he wanted to hang out again. So far so... nothing back. A firm believer in giving 'the benefit of the doubt', I am putting it down to my phone playing up.... I have sent about 5 other messages today to different people and not received any replies.

And this comes full circle to why I'm feeling nervous and frustrated. I'm not missing Hong Kong essentially, but if this was happening to me there, I would give these people a call and not give it a second thought. But as I'm new, the city is new, the people are new... it's all a little unsettling and I have begun to regress into that person that second guessed his feelings and actions.

Through all the mixed emotions, I am trying to remain positive and vigilant. I continue to apply for jobs and put myself out there.... I also made myself a new playlist on i-tunes with motivational/ inspirational tunes like 'The Climb', 'When the Going Gets Tough...' and 'One Step at a Time', which I have been listening to on the way to and coming back from job interviews.

I know I'll be okay... When everything is going wrong and things are just a little strange, I just remind myself to try a little harder and to try my best to make it through the day. It sounds cheesy to say but the knowledge that my friends and family are behind me kinda weathers me through the rough seas... so I'm going to put a smile on my face and move onwards and upwards :)

"Anything that's worth having..."

2010-01-20T16:19:00.001-08:00

So you all know by now that I met a boy, who I refer to as hMg. He was originally supposed to be a fling. A bit of fun. I hadn't (and don't) think it's such a bad idea to have a fuck buddy. Besides it's not like I have a line of suitors begging to buy property and register for wedding gifts at Habitat with me. But as it turns out, the guy's a keeper.

He's some major smarty pants professor at a university (environmental politics - whatever that is...), having just moved back from Melbourne, where he's from. He's sensitive, and I like my boys with a little bit of sap. He's generous with the compliments. He's kind and accommodating. He's both coke can AND baguette - I described him to a friend as being like Clark Kent... a self professed mild mannered geek on the surface and underneath the veneer and layers is one hell of a superman. :) Most importantly though, he was the first person since my ex that I have been able to crush on.
So why didn't I postpone my Australian adventure and start up my own Melbournian romance in HK? Well for two reasons really.... (1) Never choose a boy over any major life decisions like moving or jobs etc. and (2) hMg has a boyfriend already.

Yep he's already promised to buy china and pick out furniture with another boy back in Melb. So yes dear reader, they have what us wistful dreamy gays refer to as... gasp... an open relationship. Normally this' fact alone would have prevented me from opening up to him. From letting him in, thus feeling anything other than lust. But the more we hung out, the more we got to know each other and somewhere along the line, he got under the 'Avey Cortes commitment and abandonment' wire, and I found myself attached.
One drunken night, he came to meet me and single handedly won over my friends and convinced me that I was extremely lucky to have met him. It was on this night that our relationship (if that is what you can call it) shifted gears. We somehow started talking about "us" and I admitted that whilst I didn't want more from him that what we had, that I liked him more than just a 'one night' thing, and that it was a "bummer" cuz that happens to me once in a blue moon. He apologized for his situation being undesirable and somewhat complicated... and this next part is fuzzy cuz I was drunk but I could swear that he said something to the effect of 'if he could have things differently...'
He soberly brought it up the next morning and I downplayed it all by using my nonchalant catch phrase du-jour - "It is what it is". We somewhat danced around the subject for the rest of the time and generally just enjoyed each others company. But every so often he would say things like he was lucky to have met me and he was kinda glad I was leaving cuz things would get very complicated for him.
I spent my last three nights with him and our goodbye was awkward. He would later write me saying that he felt weird about a lot of things but our 'lame' goodbye was almost appropriate given the circumstances. I was surprised to have gotten emails and a text from him right before I got on my flight.
Maybe my feelings are amplified by the fact that I've just started a new life in Sydney and things are new, uncertain, up in the air and emotionally I'm a little all over the place. I mean I'm in one of the gayest cities in the world and there's thousands of hotties here that will make and break my heart. But something about hMg has really left an impression on me. It was the way he was so interested in my past and offered insights as to why I am the way I am and advice on how I should move on. It was the way he appeared to be so into me that he would excitedly tell my own friends random facts about me. It was the way he... we... how do I say this without sounding like I'm overstating... umm the tender and loving way he... 'made love'. I know I'm probably just over thinking this and repeated listens of Cheryl Cole's "Fight for this Love" is not doing me any favours. But I just can't shake that, "if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for".

Sydney in Pictures

2010-01-19T22:51:00.000-08:00

Taken on the train from the city into the suburbs... I was so sad to leave Surry Hills to live the simple life in the 'burbs. No sign of Paris and Nicole ;)
The Sydney Tower walking back from Darling Harbour. This was taken on a day out to the city with Mama... I was just so happy to be back in the city. We walked around a lot that day and I was so ecstatic that I could call this place 'home', that I took this...
Mama and the Opera House.
Trying my best not to pose... My mum made me take a million pics to get a more "natural" pose ahahahaha Better know yourself Mama!!

Goodbye HK/ Hello Sydney

2010-01-19T22:16:00.000-08:00

So 28/12 turned into 11/1 and no one, including myself, thought the day would ever come. But it did. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be to leave the 852. It didn't really hit home until after I had finished work on New Years eve and I had ten days to sort my life out and ship off. I was ecstatic and excitable on my last day of work as it was NYE and I had more to celebrate than most people... this was going to be my year after all! So after the hang overs had subsided and the last of the Christmas presents were unwrapped and packed or given to the maid, I had the arduous task of editing my life into one suitcase and say goodbye to friends and family that I have grown so close to as the years have flown by.

I had enlisted the help of my besties to organize my leaving party and to be honest I actually wasn't expecting anything for the simple fact that in the past when we have been left to plan other people's leaving bashes (*sorry Hannah!), we have fallen waaaaaay behind and just gone with the flow of meeting at the same bar without much fanfare etc But I have to hand it to Emma, Brad and Amanda... I felt so special, so loved and it took SO much not to break down as much as I wanted to. The last supper with Em, Silly and AJ was the hardest. I was really looking forward to that night because they had somewhat kept me in the dark about the details, but once it had arrived I didn't want it to happen as it meant that I was leaving and would be without their company.

So the four of us had dinner first and with a few sake's in my belly, I knew I had to say a few words. I had planned speech upon speech in my head but could barely get anything out without my voice wavering... and as much as I wanted to say all I could muster was something about being most scared to leave them, being the most special and important people to me. Even now that I think about it, I am tearing up because I just have so much love for these guys... yeah I know vomit bag schmaltz schmaltz but I only say it cuz it's true :)

Anyways so we headed off to the party venue and we were the first ones there - with pink party balloons and grey goose martini's, we were off to a good start. Slowly but surely friend upon friend showed up... but also as soon as they arrived, the sooner they would say their well wishes and be off. In the back of my head I did think how worrying it was that I couldn't even pull a crowd for my own leaving party, so how was I expecting to make new friends in a whole new city?! Then Emma suggested that we head to Kolours bar, cuz our friend Phil said that it was rocking and why not considering, "no one else is gonna show up"... My only concern was for the friends who told me they were off to "pick something up" and for my work colleague and her straighter than straight boyfriend who I thought would rather vomit in their mouths than go to a packed gay bar. So we all trotted off and Em raced ahead and ducked into W52, our new favourite bar and home to our new favourite "is he, isn't he" hottie DJ, Lucas. I strutted after her but Brad pulled me back saying that Em was just grabbing someone and that we should wait and go up to Kolours. I remember thinking WTF and suggested that we stop in for one drink, more for my colleague and her bf than anything else. Brad protested but suddenly out of the corner of my eye I saw my picture on one of the screens of the bar and then another one - I shrieked, at which point Brad grabbed me and raced in to find all my friends yelling 'surprise!' I was in total shock and proceeded to greet everyone to the soundtrack of my tune of the moment "Fight for this Love" (which incidently speaks to me on so many levels). The night was perfect and I was so happy to spend time with all my old and new friends. I was particular touched by Amanda's effort! This is the girl that on a rare night out with her in Kee Club exclaimed that the music was "too loud! It's TOO LOUD!" ...and all that at like 10:30pm! So a 5am-er from her was like gold dust and it meant the world to me!

Other things that almost made me cry was the good luck bamboo (from Gregg "Mafan" of all people). The bro-mantic gesture was sweet and totally unexpected, which is what particularly touched me. My family's send off the next night was also extremely tough... I held it together for dinner but it was saying goodbye which proved difficult. I finally broke down in the taxi. Then there was the polaroid books of my friends doing their best "Avey" poses... it brings a lump to my throat every time I crack 'em open... probably not the best idea at the end of my flight to Sydney, considering I spent the best part of the flight bursting into tears, including when I walked onto the plane!

And so it is that I am here.... Sydney, Australia. After all the talk about moving, after all the dreams and I'd like to say all the blood, sweat and tears... I finally made it. It's been about 8 days so far and most of it has been spent with my mum and my grandma out in the suburbs. I've been applying for jobs, helping my mum with whatever task she has set herself with the day... I'm a regular old green fingers now in the garden and now know how to wash clothes, "the old fashioned way". I made the hour and a half schlep out to the city last Friday to meet a contact that Gregg had put me in touch with and have a few drinks with Phil, Brad's bestie from back home. I am thinking I need to head back out this weekend just to keep sane... I don't think I'm quite cut out for the simple life, especially as I am the only errrr... coloured person by a million miles (bar mama and g-ma). However it''s early days yet and I'm keeping the faith. If anything it's been a delight to spend time with my mama, considering I never really have. I still think she is a bit of a whack job but it's nice to be able to go grocery shopping with her and talk about boys and this and that. We even went to the cinema today and shared a tub of pick and mix... we both like the sour and tangy sweets! Mum hops on board another ship for 6 months on the 28th so I only have another week or so with her but so far it has been a pleasure, if a bit slow at times but that's the 'burbs for you.

So check back in with me in a month or so dear reader... as Cheryl so aptly sings, "Now everyday ain't gonna be no picnic, Love ain't no walk in the park, All you can do is make the best of it now, Can't be afraid of the dark..." and that Ms. Cole, is TOO right.

Start as you mean to go on...

2009-12-16T22:53:00.000-08:00

I had a date last night. I know, I know... kinda odd considering I'm supposed to be leaving in less than a month (!) But after the stop, starts of hMSg and BOBFOC, I have started not to have expectations with boys and relationships. For the long run, I'm not too sure if that is a good or bad thing but for now it works.
So I met hMg (hot Melbourne guy) about 18 months ago at a random party that I was dragged along to by my friends who were desperate to get me out of the post break up slump. I was promised hot men and a hot time. So I dressed in as little as possible for a hot summers evening only to be faced with a bunch of older gentlemen and a BBQ, which was the ONLY thing that was hot at this party. I barely remember meeting hMg, but I suspect it mostly had to do with the fact that I only had another guy from Melbourne on my mind at the time.
Fast forward 8 odd months and I ran into hMg who told me he was on his way back to Australia after his contract had ended. Again, I wasn't particularly floored by him, but I do remember thinking he was kinda cute.
Then out of nowhere last week, I bumped into him again. He had just moved back to HK for work and was looking at being here for the next year or so. It must be true what they say about the third time being a charm, because boy looked fine (!) and he as good as had me at 'hello'. We exchanged numbers and chatted for a little while with on-going traffic surrounding us. With a Wednesday night freed up, I dived in head first and asked him for drinks.
He looked slightly different when we met up but in a good way - I liked his glasses and points for his consideration by wearing the same shirt I had first met him in ("so you would recognize me"). We had a few "mid-week" vodka sodas and got to know each other. I do have to say I wasn't blown away by the conversation and it was much like our relationship up until this point - he didn't really leave much of an impression, but I was extremely attracted to him.
At best he was very tender and sensitive... I like that in my boys. We did get our kiss on, and admittedly I did do the thing that I've banned myself from doing, which is to imagine what it would be like if the guy in question was my bf... but what I liked about the whole hMg experience was that it was a nice re-introduction to the Australian gay man. I'm not pretending that all the Aussie gays I come across are gonna come from the same hMg senstive cookie cutter mould, but if last night's "tenderness and loving" are anything to go by... I'm certainly in for a good time!

"Armani Mania"

2009-12-16T22:41:00.000-08:00

Ethical Beauty

2009-11-21T20:42:00.000-08:00

There’s an old and somewhat tired school of thought favoured by tree hugging New-Agey types that suggests that it’s unhealthy, unethical, or just down right crazy to put anything on your skin that you wouldn’t put in your mouth (insert crude joke here). Whilst there is a slight element of truth to this smug philosophy, the majority of organic products currently out on the market are rarely as effective or as potent as a pot full of chemicals. I mean has anyone tried Thursday Plantation’s tea tree deodorant? The label on the product reads that it is “for anyone who is looking for an effective all day deodorant free from aluminium” with, “long freshness as a base for customer’s own choice of perfume.” Admittedly I loved the smell, and I felt clean after first applying in the morning. However, a few hours into my day, I was neither particularly fresh nor smelled like perfume.

Despite all the ethical brownie points we as consumers think we’ve earned in buying such products, organic potions are mostly unregulated, meaning they are usually just as lethal as the evil synthetic stuff. So what are conscientious consumers supposed to do? Do we continue inadvertently ingesting chemicals (licking the petroleum-based cherry Chap Stick off your sweetheart’s lips) or do we resort to slathering our faces in the ethical goop and walk around smelling like some hippy’s bong water?

A quick look at organic products on counters that are actually worth your pennies are Australian brand Mukti, Aromatherapy Associates and US based Intelligent Nutrients. The latter offers USDA-approved food for your skin, hair and body as concocted by one Horst Rechelbacher (best known as the founder for a little brand called Aveda). The expansive range is completely free of any toxic petrochemicals, plastics, sulfates, silicone, heavy metals and anything else that could turn you into an infertile mutant and/ or dead. And the formulations actually work too. The secret ingredient is the supplemental Intellimune Seed Oil Complex, which delivers the same number of antioxidants as eating seeds from 10 pounds of grapes, 11 pounds of blueberries, 20 pounds of strawberries or 30 pounds of fresh tomatoes. Talk about flower power! Similarly Aromatherapy Associates harness the power of nature by packing their products with plant oils and bases such as regenerative damask rose water instead of plain water. The Overnight Repair Mask left the skin so well hydrated with its Strawberry Seed that we didn’t need to use a moisturizer afterwards – an incontestable sign of a decent mask.

So there you have it, planet organic is no longer just for the Mid-levels tai-tai’s and Lamma hippies, eco-friendly skincare products are starting to work as the aforementioned brands prove. It’s just a case of weeding (pun intended) them out.

Taken from: http://dimsum-hk.com/en/lifestyle/body_care/ethical-beauty/#more-2521

Styl'd

2009-11-17T22:08:00.000-08:00

My faux fashion career forged ahead last weekend with our involvement with the Style 4 Schools charity event. I didn't have too much to do as (1) I was away on holidays during most of the preparation and (2) the work load was split with other organizations. My role on the evening was door 'biz-natch' - sounds easy enough right?! Think again - having only received the guest list 15 minutes before the event, with none of the seats allocated - it was pretty disorganized. I had some woman from one of the other charities hover over me, which was both a help and a hindrance.

As more and more people arrived, the pressure was on to spot the VIP's from the plain old P's... It all ran pretty smoothly but there were a few prima-donna moments from guests who found it "embarassing" to wait the lengthy time of 2 minutes to allocate them good seats.

As soon as all the gift bags were handed out and all the guests were seated, we decided to take advantage of the bar to toast a job well done. A few glasses of prosecco later, with the fasion show over, we weaved our way througth the crowds for more schmoozing and air kisses. I normally hate this part of the job but for some reason (be it the free bubbles or the confidence my new blazer from NYC was giving me), I glided around the room flirting with guests to drum up more donations. And it seemed to work!

The fashion show itself was fun - my favourite dresses were the Armani (modelled by our intern and by far the hottest model of the night - Mika) and Matthew Williamson. It was interesting to see the student creations, which according to the buzz on the night were just 100% created by Kanchan Couture.

My colleague Chavelli and I managed to escape clutching our goodie bags with a mission to get more drinks down us. We ended up guzzling martini's in town and from what I can remember I had a few hours sleep before my alarm went off and I had to rush to work for a full day in the office (on a Saturday!)... my hair still in place from the night before stinking of smoke and alcohol. Even sporting my new leather jacket and tee from Topman couldn't save me from feeling less than confident... ;)

Boys - sometimes a girl just needs one...

2009-11-16T07:43:00.001-08:00

I have not blogged in what seems like months, so apologies to the errr 3 people that actually read this. The blog vacation was mostly due to an actual vaccay I took to New York and Miami - but more on that in another post...

I thought what perfect way to make my return to the blogosphere than with news of boys... So being back in Hong Kong sucks, not only because I am back at work and not on holiday but because the men aren't as hot and forward as they are in New York. I know at the time the gang and I were tutting at how aggressive the gay New Yorkers were by shoving their hands down our jeans & squeezing our ass if we as much as looked in their direction... but I secretly kind of liked the in your face approach. No muss, no fuss and straight to the point. PLUS it works so well with my preference of being the one who is chased.

Prime example of this - and boys correct me if I'm wrong cuz I was pretty out of it at the time - but picture the scene... its Alegria (gay circuit party), hoardes of buff shirtless men bumping and grinding away on the dance floor. One hot/ cute/ buff young man starts to dance with me.... I apparently dance back and am inching towards him. He apparently is "into" me in a big way and at one point pushes/ bumps into me... I am completely oblivious to this for reasons we won't go into, in case my mother reads this ;p After what I'm told was about 20 mins, the guys threw in the towel and found someone below his standards.

BUT i take comfort in the fact that (1) someone was interested in me (2) someone hot was interested in me (3) someone hot that even my friends thought was hot was interested in me and (4) that I barely had to do any work *(except acknowledge him!) to get noticed.

On this side of the world, I have been trying so hard to get the likes of hMSg to notice me and until recently, BFG (BOBFOC Guy).

BFG is a boy I met through some of the gays at the big Luxury week wrap party that I worked on. I didn't immediately think he was hot until he opened his mouth and out came an Aussie accent... the kind that just makes my heart melt, and my knees turn to jelly. He was rather tactile and kept talking to me about something or the other. A few glasses of champagne later and I found out that he was one of the gays play thing... so as important as 'girl code' is to me, i waved my white flag and went back to the drawing board with my tail between my legs.

A few more chance encounters have passed with some mild flirting and more recently something seems to have switched... I was online and out of nowhere the BFG messaged me... we chatted about boys and what he likes in bed and there was some reference made to giving into temptation and he brought up the fact that I hadn't given into him. It was a bold statement to make, considering our chats usually consisted of polite banter and his tastes in men.

I'm not really sure to do about this one, cuz at the end of the day, the BFG is my kinda guy. But I am a firm believer that you don't hook up or date any of your friends exes or past hook ups. It was also clear that my friend would not want this to happen despite him saying that he doesn't mind and also overlooking the fact that he himself has a long term boyfriend. I'm not judging that situation but I wonder what he would say if I asked him if it would be okay if I made a play for BFG?

What's a girl to do? I guess watch this space... I can't help if 'dem boys they like me, like me... ;p

Lucky stars

2009-10-25T05:41:00.000-07:00

There are some things beyond control. You can't choose your family or you can't help who you love. But you can choose your friends, which is a treasure of its own kind.

I don't really pretend to be the perfect friend but I can attest to being loyal. I'll always be there for my friends when they need me, when they ask things of me and when they just need a shoulder to cry on. I treat my friends like they are my family - my blood.

I am lucky enough to be able to count on four amazing people that I have known since back in the day and who will be there for me through thick and thin. My four shining stars that I look forward to knowing for the rest of my life.

The older I get the more I appreciate them. They have touched my life and shaped the man that I am today in ways that I will never be able to thank them for. I am a better man for knowing them and having them in my life and I cannot imagine not knowing them - that's too scary a thought!

They are each amazing people and I love them with all my heart. I get strength from Amos, courage from Locks, perspective and grounding from AJ and confidence from Em. I can go on and on about how wonderful they are and how much they mean to me but to sum it up... thank you guys for being you... xx

The Hills

2009-10-18T22:09:00.000-07:00

So a few months ago my friend casually mentions to me there is a night race on Lantau that we should take part in. I mosey on over to the website, have a gander and agree to the 40k's I'd be embarking on. It was as simple as that and I hadn't really given a second thought to it until about 6 weeks prior.
A couple of training sessions in, I realized that I was certainly in for a treat. Not that I would be in over my head, but I did notice severe drops in my sense of humour when 5 hours in, the end was apparently two or so hours away.
And actually looking back on race night that would be true to the core. After being granted a day off to rest, prepare and carb up for the big night, I was feeling good and ready to go when 'team deadbeat' boarded the Lamma ferry. Even sat waiting for the race to start, whilst everyone else was stretching, I was just eager to get my race on!
Once off I felt good... for the most part Amanda, Pete, Karen and I stuck together at the beginning. I felt somewhat of a novice amongst these guys, with this being my first race of this sort. I did do 'King of the Hills' earlier in the year with not much prep but I ended up getting lost about 5 times and most of the time I was cursing myself for being convinced to do it. But this time, I was keeping up with the pack, and feeling good both physically and mentally.
I remember we lost Pete on one of the up's, but we ploughed on and after we reached a couple more check in points, I was surprised at how I was feeling.
Then as if by default, I hit a wall. It was around 5 hours into the race and I just couldn't see past the light my head torch was providing. With my i-pod playing my "motivational" songs like Britney's 'Stronger', La Roux's 'Bulletproof' and PCD's 'Top of the World' - I was doing my best to remain positive and focussed. I was having a big time sense of humour failure!!
"I have to stop to eat something...", Amanda exclaimed. Almost robotically and without emotion, I replied - "Sorry I have to keep on going..."
I could hear Amanda and Karen still behind me after about a minute of briskly running ahead and a couple of minutes later, there was light at the end of the tunnel... literally... the next check point was up ahead.
For me, it was the best and worst check point of the whole race. I was absolutely shattered and mentally about ready to break but a familiar face and words of encouragement provided by my good friend Emma DG, who was marshalling the race, proved to be somewhat motivational.
"You guys are doing amazing... seriously... not that many people have passed" - I recall her saying as I stuffed my face with nuts (to help cramping).
Once we moved onto the last stage, Amanda asked how I was doing. With a half smile and incredulous look on my face, I remember telling her that I was faltering. She simply told me how good I was doing and just to keep focussed. I remember running ahead downhill with her words ringing in my head and I kind of just half broke down... truth be told, it surprised me how mentally challenging something like this could be. I composed myself, wiped away the tears and tried to navigate the next part of the trail.
However as soon as the trail started moving upwards, I could feel all the water, the PB sandwich, the nuts... everything I ate and drank just sitting in my stomach slowing me down. Amanda and Karen moved at the pace we had been keeping for the duration of the race and I was struggling to keep up. Every so often I would lose sight of them and hear Amanda call out my name... I called back to assure them I was okay but I honestly thought that was the end of the road.
After a while I was in the dark with just Britney and Madonna who were singing, "To hell with stairs, The sweat is dripping all over my face.." I finally reached the last check point and the woman behind it told me there was a message from Amanda and Karen saying something like "don't be mad, they waited, keep going"
Munching on grapes to keep myself going I oozed my last carb gel into my mouth and rocketed off the rest of the trail... I bombed downhill and started to regain that feeling I had towards the beginning of the race. I ignored the pain in my legs, the sweat on my brow and just went for it passing a bunch of racers in the process. And before I knew it... the finish line!!!!!
One of the girls asked me to stop for a celebratory picture... I remember thinking that I ought to take my head torch off to look likeless of a geek and to smile an "Avey" smile that would warrant becoming a Facebook profile pic... but alas... the below is all I could muster.
All in all, it was a great sense of achievement and all I could think of was that I did it in a faster time than I anticipated and for the most part kept up with the pro's! I would do it again and apparently I kind of am with Pete proposing a reunion of sorts at the 'King of the Hills' on 20th December... watch this space :)

Thoughts

2009-10-10T07:15:00.001-07:00

1) I love watching my best friend and his brothers interact. Sometimes it makes me sad that I'm not closer with my own family but mostly it makes me understand why he is the way he is, and where he's coming from.

2) Sunday brunches are the best. Great way to fill in all the blanks from the night before and catch up on everything you've missed.

3) I'm starting to broaden my taste in men - geek chic, geek and chic, brunettes, tall dark & handsome, heroin chic... they can all go in there with my fave blonde haired blue eyed obsession.

4) Thrown into a situation like The Real World, would I really be the one that people perceive to be as 'the bitch'?

5) I'm a firm believer in the "girl code" of you never go with your friends exes or past hook ups.

6) Despite not having seen her in years, nor being particularly close to her, I miss my mother.

7) At this very moment in time, I would like to be sitting in Woobie listening to David Archuletta's "Crush" driving down the I-5 from San Fran to LA.

8) At some point I need to stop procrastinating and finish up the last forms to send in... time is money.

9) I'm quietly confident (though still nervous) about my 40k race this Friday - despite the whining, I've enjoyed training and have never felt better.

10) Wondering how shameless I can be in New York and Miami... ;)

11) Telling my parents that I want to move abroad feels almost like when I came out to them... I don't know what their reaction is going to be.

12) I wonder what life will be like this time next year...

Pop Quiz

2009-09-24T04:49:00.000-07:00

Question: What's 28 minus the 8 and twelve minus ten?

Answer: 2/2

"No you don't even like..."

2009-09-17T21:02:00.000-07:00

I love my job sometimes... sure it can be stressful; I certainly don't do it for the money; and going above and beyond the call of duty sans thank you is rather taxing. But the perks of the job do make up for all of the above and then some...

So last night, armed with a mission to track down a potential client that I'd never met, I made my way to the opening of The Mira - a new boutique hotel on the dark side. The big attraction was a 'star performance' by Katy Perry.

We were told that she would be on stage at 10:30pm, so after a little wander round the hotel and a few glasses of champagne, we made our way to the ballroom to claim our spot by the stage. To our surprise we discovered we were not the only ones who had that idea. But instead of elbowing them out the way, (which wouldn't really have been appropriate considering they were all about 7 years old), we thought the next best thing would be to befriend them.

"Errrr excuse me do you know who Johannes, the 'Nightlife' guru is?", I enquired.

'Betch-puhlease!!', they all seemed to say in their heads.

So I tried again... "Ummm do you read HK Magazine?" Blank stares.

"...Okay can you take your picture with the guy in the hat - it's gonna be put in a magazine."

"SCCCCRREEEEEEAAAMMMMMM!"

That's a yes then?

Our gal came on in a fierce silver dress, killer heels and rocked the house with her cherry chapstick. The best bits of the performance was definitely "Hot N Cold" and the part when she asked one of the 7 year olds to finish off the lyrics to "Ur So Gay"...

"No you don't even like... hey honey, do you know how to finish the song for me?!"

Cue 7 year old blond girls friends coaxing her on...

"Penis", she said matter of factly.

"She said penis!", Katy spluttered.

The rest of the evening was spent taking advantage of the free bar, checking out the plethora of gay men and networking. I managed to embarrass myself when I tried to introduce my hot gay canadian friend to a hot straight canadian stranger.

"I like girls" the pretty straight one explained.

At which point I knew it was time to hail a taxi. Oh and I didn't complete my mission... potential client remains just that... Well apparently the next event is next month and it's gonna be a biggie. Who's ready for more?

Bye Bye Baby

2009-09-16T06:54:00.001-07:00

I had to say goodbye to another friend this weekend. My little bro, Alessio, has moved onto pastures anew in London. It's been very short but sweet getting to know the kid... I sometimes wish I was like him when I was 19... I remember just discovering and struggling with my sexuality when I was his age and he seems almost as comfortable in his skin as I do now and it took me a wee while to get used to it.

I can't wait to see what he gets up to, even if I am a little disappointed he won't be joining me in my adventures. But I'm looking forward to our little jaunt to NYC and Miami next month... bring on the drama!

I miss Baby A but I do have to say quite proud that he's taken the plunge and just gone for it... it really ought to be me (being older) that leads by example, but it seems like it may be the other way around...

Out

2009-09-16T06:14:00.000-07:00

It's always difficult to know where to begin. Do I do it all chronologically and start by writing about how I used to look at men on the covers of my romance novels to see if I was aroused by them, after my best friend asked about my sexuality when I was 6? Or is it more important to describe my first sexual experience with a guy one drunken night listening to a Madonna song, in which she aptly sang - "It's amazing what a boy can do... I cannot stop myself"? Or should I begin with a real pivotal moment of leaving the closet at the ripe old age of 25 when I came out to my parents? They all seem like decent places to start. The truly difficult part of the story is how to end it, because the coming out process never really ends.

I guess it's easiest to start by saying that in retrospect, I've always been gay, but it just took me a long while to realize and accept it. From as far back as I can remember, I have always felt different to everyone and when I was younger it was what I strived for. I would purposely go for the opposite of what all my classmates were doing... I just didn't want to conform to the 'norm'. I remember finding it somewhat amusing playing with Barbie dolls when the other boys were out kicking a football around.

Throughout school I was plagued by the gossip about my sexuality, mainly because my best friends were all girls. I had a pretty normal adolescence. I went out with a few girls and the whole idea of being gay was only ever something that other people talked about. As far as I was concerned I was just a 'normal' heterosexual teenager.

It wasn't until my first year of university was over that I started to have feelings for men. I was 19 and had just come back to Hong Kong for my summer holidays when I met an American boy at a party. He dished out cheesy lines like: "Do you come here often?" etc so it was clear what his intentions were. I wasn't at all fazed and found it extremely flattering that this guy, who looked like he belonged in one of those preppy Abercrombie and Fitch ad's, was attracted to me. He would always tell me that he wanted to hook up with me because I was "out of this world!" Being more flattered than I felt I should've been, I just lapped it up and later started craving his attention.

I finally realized that this person was everything I ever wanted in a relationship but it just so happened he was a boy. We became really good friends and eventually one night after one too many drinks, we got together. It didn't seem weird to me that I was with him and it all came very naturally. It was only after I left to go back to school in London that I became confused. My head was awash with questions: What did I just do? Why do I feel like this? Will I feel like this again?

Needless to say I spent the next two and half years dating this guy on and off. We had a long distance relationship which ended in me walking in on him with another guy. Looking back on it now, being with him was almost like a crash course in being gay. He taught me a lot and played a pivotal part in my coming out. Whilst I was with him, I told a handful of my closest friends. It was quite easy for me to confide in them as I have always felt that my friends are my family. Despite this, I still presented a diluted version of my sexuality because subconsciously I hadn't accepted it yet.

When I moved back to Hong Kong, I started another relationship with a guy. This time, because so many people knew him and because everyone knew he was gay, I felt that in some way this was my free ride to outing myself to everyone else without having to actually spell it out. Not too many people were surprised, which at the time surprised me because I felt like 'how could they have known before me?!'

Because I came out to so many people during this time, it made sense that the next step would be to tell my parents. Everyone was so supportive of my coming out and I felt it wasn't a big deal. This was the attitude I adopted when I decided to tell my parents. At the time I had a very supportive boyfriend, I had a good job, good friends and was extremely comfortable in my own skin so, armed with all of this, I went home and I did it... I came out to my folks. Halfway through dinner I blithely announced that I had something I needed to talk to them about. Still thinking it was no big deal, I proceeded to tell them how I was gay in between mouthfuls of warm chicken salad.

Stoney faced, my dad asked me, "do you mean you have gay tendencies? Or are you gay all the time?" I was somewhat amused by that question so still treating it like I was on some game show I enthusiastically hammed it up...

"Gay all the way, my friend!" I proclaimed.

My dad proceeded to bombard me with questions on how long I felt like this, if it was a phase, about sex (!) Then there was a deathly silence. Beginning to realize that something was wrong, I just about managed to ask my dad what he was thinking, to which he replied, "I'm thinking what went wrong."

My step-mum just hugged me and told me how proud she was of me that I had built up the courage to tell them. I later learned through my sister that they both broke down after I left the house. It was all very unresolved and to this very day I haven't spoken to them about it but in their own way I can tell they have come to terms with it and accepted it.

Whilst I am ecstatic that my parents know and they they have accepted it, the thing that still hurts me to this very day is that they never asked if it was a hard thing to deal with. They weren't concerned about what it was like to grow up hating myself, feeling ashamed, and not being able to accept who I really was.

I don't think I'll ever stop coming out. Most people assume the world is totally heterosexual and I still have to think of whether I need to "officially" come out to someone or not. Usually though I just walk through life assuming that everyone sees me as gay... let's face it, it's kinda hard not to, and even though it makes me a 'minority' in this world, as one who has always enjoyed being different, I wouldn't have it any other way.

WLTM?!?

2009-09-09T03:28:00.000-07:00

I think I've had a breakthrough. Yes, at the refined age of 29 and a half, I've finally reached adulthood, and started to make some mature realisations. I'm actually not desperate to be in love, and I don't just want a boyfriend at all costs, just for the sake of having one. If I find the right man who fits into my life and I happen to be in love with him, then I'll be on to him quicker than you can say 'Channing Tatum'. But just because I've found someone who is willing to spend their quiet nights in on the sofa with me, doesn't mean I have to let them.

Sounds like painting by numbers eh?! But to me it's the most empowering lesson I've ever learnt. After recently being told by an ex that our relationship was !%&* and that I was @$*!, alarm bells started to ring in my head... It's something I've been taught too many times and it always seems to go out the window when I let my emotions get the better of me. "You know what your problem is... you have a habit of putting guys on pedestals!" my friend Amanda once said to me. Ding, ding, ding!

And once again it rung true last night. After several messages went ignored from hMSg, I was surprised to find an invite to his birthday party in my inbox. I thought the clever thing to do would be to play his game, not RSVP and just turn up late looking fabulous. The plan was working swimmingly until my long lost little bro Alessio informed me that he saw him making out with another guy the week before. At that point it was 'Game Over' for me. Not that I expect to be the only one he ought to be lunging at on impromptu dates - heaven knows I haven't kept my tongue to myself in recent weeks. I'm a big believer in that if you try anything for long enough, you're bound to get some sort of result, but the idea of having to play ring around the roses with the back and forth is not my idea of fun.

The older I get, the less interested I am in having a serious relationship. Don't get me wrong, I haven't converted to the Brian Kinney philosophy of unapologetic promiscuity, but there is a sense of aversion to that walk down the aisle. Amy, my oldest and bestest friend in the world, announced to us the other week that she is engaged to be married. My eyes started to well up a bit when I got the message and had a secret blub about it the other day... but I can't quite get my head around it. For the last 10 odd years I have seen friends of friends get hitched, have babies and "live the dream" so to speak. My besties and I have always gone to the ceremonies, scratched our heads and just carried on mooching off the open bar... until now...

Recently there's been rumblings with the besties of being clucky and wanting to settle down etc. I thought it was just the result of one too many chick flicks but I realize now that adult life starts here... I always said that it would never ring true until one of us actually takes the plunge. Something tells me we'll always be mooching off the free booze at the weddings, but it's only Emma and I that are still scratching our heads and planning our life as eternal singleton's with a family of cloned cats and an unhealthy obsession with buff Hollywood hunks.

...And I'm really okay with that. Being tied down wouldn't have afforded me an evening of fun over the weekend with hSAg! Yes that's right hot South African guy! :)

Fashion Forward

2009-08-27T20:13:00.000-07:00

So last week I had lots of fun playing 'Whitney and Lauren' (from The Hills) with my involvement at the MasterCard Luxury Week (HK's versions of fashion week). We had been involved as one of the main sponsors and I was put in charge of the on-site concierge desk, ticketing and assisting with the organization of the wrap party. It was a pretty big task and whilst I had been pushed to the limit and stressed to no end, I relished every minute of it.

I think I am at my best when I am challenged on these big projects and it makes it even better that I am actually interested in the task at hand - but more on that later...

Here are some pics during the week of me playing Fashionista Fred:
Backstage mingling with the models:
Working at our on-site concierge desk with our lovely interns: Olivia (who seemed to know more people that I did despite only having been in town for 2 months); Michelle (sweet as humble pie) and Charlene (who I enjoyed perving on the hot men with).

MLWHK Dream team: Claire, Joey and Anthony

My fave at the Shanghai Tang and show...

Q-bies at La Perla:The hottest model throughout Luxury Week:

Look who we spotted at the Derek Lam show:

Striking a pose at DvF:

There was blood. There was lots of sweat. And I'm sure there were tears but amidst the huge work load and demanding clients, there was also time for some fashion and the realization that playing 'Whitney and Lauren' was actually something I was good at. I have the mindset, the skill, the dedication and the hunger to learn... what did I say last month... something about grabbing the bull by the horns and running with it?!? Me-thinks there will be a lot more catfights and spotlights in the future...A few weeks before Luxury Week kicked off, I was awarded a nights stay at the JIA boutique hotel for all my hard work and dedication. I booked the room for the night of the Luxury Week Wrap Party, which we were co-hosting. And not a moment too soon... after the chaotic week I had, I indulged in some ultimate vegging out in my Phillipe Starck designed one bed room suite. The only thing I was desperately missing was someone to share the experience with... everyone else was either working, hung over or not hMSg (wink). At 4 o' clock I ordered some gourmet room service and popped open a bottle of bubbly and slowly got ready for the nights festivities... by 6:30pm I had splashed, sprayed, squeezed myself into my best Dior Homme inspired garb and polished off the whole bottle of bubbly...

Me and Paris on the redcarpet:

The girls getting Q-blinged up:
I didn't have any 'official' duties on the night but I ran around like a headless chicken most of the night like the good hostess trying to ensure all the guests were having a good time and that I was indeed a good Q ambassador. Once guests started to arrive the bottle of Veuve had quickly worn off and I was in worker-bee mode, skuttling guests left and right to the lounge, champagne bar, Havaiana's room and photo wall. I did manage to share a glass of bubbly here and there with everyone but my mind was relatively occupied with things running smoothly.

If I was being honest, I was also hoping that hMSg would make an appearance, swoon and scoop me in his arms for a kiss. Alas that was not to be, but I somehow found myself in a lip lock with one of my 'Mid-Levels' "co-stars" on the dancefloor, which may have highlighted one of two things - (1) the bottle of Veuve did not wear off afterall or (2) I was not taking this Q ambassador thing as seriously as I thought... I decided to put it down to the former.

"That's disgusting!", Richard drunkenly exclaimed... at which point I was suddenly transported back to where I was and what I was (supposed) to be doing.

Fashion TV interview :)

The rest of the party was pretty drama free but it was only when we left for the Wrap party After Party (at Kee) that I was only able to fully let my hair down. After more champagne and dancing, I made my way back to the hotel solo to enjoy chips and salsa in bed with a mini Moet that I found in the fridge... the next best thing ;)

Doubt

2009-08-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to doubt 28/12. I'm starting to think that it's not a realistic goal and I'm starting to get a bit nervous. So many questions are running through my head and I don't quite know where to begin...

A slight indication that I'd be jumping the gun is that I am supposed to be moving apartments in 2 weeks and everything here is still in tact. Work has grabbed me by the big ones and for the next week or so, I am on ball and chain. On one hand I am telling myself that I work well under pressure and I get things done when push comes to shove. But the new 'realist' in me is screaming for me to wake up and smell the coffee. I also have all those voices of people I have confided in, telling me to just 'go for it' but I can even feel my Papi reasoning that I need to straighten up and fly right. My bleedin' sister even got in on the act with an tutoral that my 8th grade Maths teacher would be proud of.

Meryl Steep is perched on my right shoulder in her habit chanting, "Doubt. I have so much doubt" whilst Sam Sparro is dancing at the opposite end crooning, " All I have is too many questions, Is there something someone forgot to mention to me; But I walk on without hesitation, To my unknown own destination, With the music like syncopation, And explore my own imagination..."

Confused?! So am I. So am I.

where i stood

2009-08-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey you know me it's all or none

Gaga Ga Gays

2009-08-16T07:02:00.000-07:00

So August saw another decadent and debaucherous weekend but this time I packed my bags and headed to Macau with the gays. The trip was planned around watching Lady Gaga perform at the Venetian. Like the weekend in Krabi I didn't quite know what to expect as these are somewhat new friends that I have made recently, but judging from past boat trips and parties that I have been to with these guys, I knew a lot of fun (and drama) was to be had!

We started off with a mad dash to the ferry. Once at the hotel we caught up with the other guys who had checked in earlier and kind of twiddled our thumbs before cracking open the Grey Goose and Moet... start the weekend as we mean to go on! :) The show was fantastic - much better than I expected. I'm not sure if it was the energy from the crowd of just our group that made it for me... sure we were a couple of bottles of Moet and frozen margaritas down the line but apart from Lady G herself, we were the ones having the MOST fun! Highlight had to be when she sang 'Boys Boys Boys'... but of course! ;)

After a splash and spray and a few outfit changes, we all trotted off to the pool party. We walked into a seemingly straight party but by the end of the night, all the gay boys, boys, boys had taken over the pool and despite my reservations at first, dunked myself in the hot cock soup that was brewing. The night was somewhat of a blur but I do remember telling my 'baby bro's' number one fan that his "infiltration" was somewhat of a lost cause (meow!) and apparently a bunch of hot boys came to our room only to leave after finding us asleep.

Sunday was mostly spent lounging by the pool trying to recount the previous nights actions and activities. Victor turned to me and said that myself and Brad had been upgraded to "regular cast members" in the on-going saga that we like to call the 'Mid-levels'... our own gay version of The Hills. :) It was funny because during the whole trip, I kept thinking that we were like the Hills ladies when they head to Vegas. Am I the Kristin Cavalari of the bunch - "the bitch"?! ;) I can't wait for the next installment... apparently there's going to be Another Gay Junk on September 5th. Watch this space...

I'm going to tell you a secret...

2009-08-12T07:03:00.000-07:00

The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. I have to keep reminding myself of that...

Back to square one?

2009-08-11T08:11:00.000-07:00

I kinda feel like I'm playing a game of snakes and ladders with hMSg - one step forward and a couple of steps back. I know the subject of these blogs are heavy on hMSg, but I'd like to think I'm not over thinking things.

I mean is it normal to not respond when someone invites you to do something? Consider if you got an invite to watch a DVD with no specific date set - would you reply or ignore it?... Okay fine, I'll give you that one - I am a little obsessed, but I feel that now I have tasted the forbidden fruit I need a little less hMSg flakiness and a little more of the assertive lunging that he got going on last week.

So on one hand I'm enjoying this guessing game of will we/ won't we; are we/ aren't we; shall we/ shaln't we? But if I am supposed to be grabbing the bull by its horns, why is he playing hard to get?

I Love You Man

2009-08-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

What Happens in Krabi...

2009-08-05T03:07:00.000-07:00

August began with a boat trip and a whole load of drama! Unexpectedly I was the centre of one of those but after having previously spent months, days and hours of agonizing, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, applied some burn cream and packed my weekend bag for one night in Bangkok and three more in Krabi.

The trip was a result of months of planning for a new friend's 30th birthday. I was expecting the unexpected and boy did I get it. It felt really great to be a part of the festivities and despite not being very close to everyone in the group, I was very open to what the trip had to offer.

We were to Krabi, what Amy Winehouse was to St Lucia. Buckets of Sang Som (Thai Whiskey) and Redbull was the secret of our success much to the delight or chagrin of other holiday makers. Our fellow hotel guests gave us dirty looks - "b*tch please!"but the bar ladies of the night were delighted at our shenanigans... the perfect balance of disgust and adoration :)

After 3 nights on the trot, 3 birthday cakes, a couple of lost voices, bruised biceps and one wild boat ride, its safe to say that we pulled off a birthday to remember for Ali. So much so that I'm almost looking forward for my big 3-0 next year ;) Errrrrrr?!?!...

The Love Boat promises something for everyone...

2009-07-31T03:19:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to pull myself together after one too many vodka red bulls last night to board a boat full of gay boys in speedos. I wasn't going to go cuz I'm trying to tighten the purse strings, but I'm forsaking food for the next week all in hopes of bumping into a certain hot 'neighbour' of mine. Sad.

I could do without the sea sickness and drama of the last junk trip but I guess that's all part and parcel of these things and if it means setting a course for adventure on the love boat then I'm in! Besides on a day like this - check out the view from my bedroom window (!) - how could I say no...?!?!! :)

Another one bites the dust...

2009-07-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

Charlotte just rang to say goodbye... she's at the airport about to board her flight to the UK for a month. I was actually in that place between sleep and consciousness so I kind of didn't really know what was going on... but why did it feel so final, like she's going away forever? I couldn't get back to bed so thought I would pop online... even though doctors orders are not to turn on my laptop until they can determine what's causing these chronic headaches I'm having... pffft a little look-see never hurt anyone ;)

So I turn the trusty Mac on and I am greeted with a little ":)" message from none other than my favourite My Space pal. ...It's getting a little ridculous huh?!?! In some ways I think I'm being a bit of a girl over this whole thing, but mostly I am liking the distraction, the game, the idea of possibly having someone to go on a date with or even cuddle! It's been so long since I felt this way...

Running into my ex the other day reminded me that it's been a while since I thought about the whole failed relationship. It reminded me that somewhere along the line, I stopped obsessing and feeling sorry for myself. I don't think I'm completely over that one... but at the same time I know that I worked so hard to get where I am today... I hate admitting this but getting over him was the hardest thing I've ever done. It's so yawn yawn cliche but it got quite bad for a while that it almost scares me to think about it. I've completely glossed it over in reality, but seeing him again reminded me of that and how I bid adieu to that part of my life completely.

I don't know why but talking with Charlotte earlier was like saying goodbye to my ex... so sad, so emotoinal and so final. I'm hoping a month really is a month and that I'll be seeing her soon... I'm not really in the mood to be saying goodbye to yet another friend...

Don't Drink and Text

2009-07-24T21:07:00.001-07:00

When someone asks if you want to cuddle, there are only two answers you can give... Yes or no. When that someone is hot My Space guy, the only answer is... YES!!!!!!!! So why when that happened did I only manage something about teen magazine quizzes?!?!!!

"I'm going to bed..." he replied.

THAT is why I don't drunk text. I'm a horrible judge of what is sexy and funny to say over text messages when I'm sober let alone drunk.

I've just seen a whole bunch of messages I sent to H last night- something about marrying me for a visa, how I am crap with men and that I will have "fin" reading back these texts in the morning... errrrrrr the shame!

All is not lost... (though I suspect I will have to find some new dignity before tonight)... hot My Space guy just messaged me asking how I slept. Another box ticked...

Case of the Ex

2009-07-24T02:58:00.000-07:00

The god's must've been in on some cruel joke over the last 48 hours, when three unsuspecting individuals were brought face to face with their ex partners. I think it was Carrie Bradshaw that said it best - "nothing is as frightening as bumping into an ex before you've had your morning coffee."

So early Wednesday morning, I get a text from my one of my friends screaming that after a year of not locking eyes with her ex boyfriend, the spell was broken when she ran into the guy sans make-up coming out of a McDonalds. Not a good look, apparently.

Later on that evening, after some hella primping, I make my way to the local gay bar for some 'Happy Birthday' shenanigans and potential "oh fancy bumping into you here" action. The god's must've got it mixed up cuz the first person I clock when I enter the bar is not hot My Space guy, but my ex. After a wave and a 'mwah mwah' later, I make my way through the heaving throng to find my friends, only to be greeted by ANOTHER one of my ex bf's!! I quickly head to the bar and take comfort in the fact that I wasn't walking out of a McDonalds looking like a minger *(sorry Sass!) ;)

24 hours later, I am strolling down Soho with a gal pal when her jaw drops to the floor and a pear shaped figure coming towards us bellows - "it was bound to happen at some point!" Another day, another ex boyfriend encounter.

You know how it is when you bump into an ex when you're out. You want him to eat his heart out. You want them to know what they're missing. You want him to regret ever losing you. In my case, I just wanted both my exes to pull off a mask to reveal that they were in fact hot My Space guy in disguise.

Oh well... if the recent eclipse only comes round every 100 or so years, I'm hoping that also applies with bumping into exes!

A-Co?

2009-07-23T02:36:00.001-07:00

Oh Em Gee! You know something's up when you relate to a Jennifer Lopez song...

http://www.musicloversgroup.com/jennifer-lopez-what-is-love-lyrics-and-video/

Lucky?

2009-07-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

I'm repeating my mantra over and over in my head whilst looking down at 'Lucky' to remind myself that through all the BS, drama and sticky "if's" and "but's" that when it comes down to it, those 4 words are all that matter - You. Still. Have. You.

I Love You

2009-07-21T22:28:00.000-07:00

You really love me!

A watched pot never boils

2009-07-19T21:31:00.000-07:00

What does one do when the weather is shite, all your friends have moved away from HK and your weekend is completely open? Well if you are the new open minded and optimistic Avey, then you put on your best casual garb, a pair of pretty eyes, grab an umbrella to brave the elements and go out and make new ones...

Thus was my weekend after H's departure. Friday night was spent getting some parental doting with a slap up home cooked meal and some general family bitching. Then once home I attempted to rearrange my shoes but ended up messaging my new My Space crush. After establishing that we both like Gossip Girl (guilty pleasure - natch!) , we exchanged numbers and promises to hang out (seeing as we are 'neighbours' and all).

The next day I worked up a sweat at the gym and made plans to sit in front of my TV for a second consecutive night, in anticipation of an impending typhoon hitting town. With a gaping hole in my wallet, I had already extinguished thoughts of going out. However, Emma (my fellow 'new friend finder' in crime), convinced me to come out for a few... I think I was sold as soon as she mentioned 'gay bar' - I didn't fancy looking at my phone willing hot My Space man to text me. At least this way there may be a chance that we would bump into each other...

So armed with my thousand dollar t-shirt, skinnies, blue eyes and $45 I headed out to meet an old friend and make some new ones. And that I did - they may have had a 4 hour lead on me but 2 vodkas and a couple of free shots later, I had unleashed enough charm and wit to win myself some new mates... well at least on Facebook. Hmmm is it sad that the only 'connection' I seem to be making these days is online? ;) .

All through the night I had my eyes peeled for hot My Space guy and kept checking my phone to see if I had missed a text from him. I spent the early part of Sunday doing much of the same, wondering if I should be the one texting. It would be a good start to just take the plunge and grab the bull by its horns, I considered. But after 4 episodes of The Hills in a row *(talk about DRAH-MAH!), I rationalized that looking at my phone willing it to beep with a message or call, was a waste of time... so I popped in another disc of my favourite LA-dies and let the trials and tribulations of rich kids in Hollywood take over my thoughts of hot boys. Talk about time well spent! :)

NO H8

2009-07-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

Goodbye

2009-07-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

So Hannah left this morning... I do miss her already and it's only been a few hours! I feel somewhat drained from all the farewell parties, dinners, all nighters that we've had over the last month etc. All I want to do is hide in my apartment for the next month... one last time before I straighten up and fly right.

Last night was fun though... I love the more chilled nights where its beer on the streets, random crazy conversations about bug-chasers and Brent Corrigan of course.

TY

2009-07-16T00:17:00.000-07:00

I get excited about the smallest things - buying a new pair of socks, making a new i-tunes playlist, getting poked on Facebook etc. I find it's the littlest things that count, especially when it comes to boys :)
Consider when Gary from Laguna Beach told me I was his "favourite"... yes that guy off TV actually said that to me... 2 years on and I'm still swooning! It may have been 4 or 5am in the meatiest of meat markets (Propaganda), he may have said it to many others before me and we were 20 odd vodkas down the line but when it came down to it, with one hand lightly gripping the back of my neck (SWOON - I only save that for special people ;p) he chose to say it to ME!
Pushing aside thoughts that he could have meant "you are my favourite of the ugly guys in here", I quickly pull myself together in time to remember my boyfriend (at the time) standing next to me. "I bet you say that to all the boys" I reply. Gaawd damn monogamous relationships! ;)
My latest thing came when I was checking My Space and I got a message from a HOT guy that wasn't some struggling musician trying to add me to bump up their profile. "So when are you going to start showing me around HK?" he commanded. Just like that, no questions asked. Confident but not cocky. Polite but not needy. This guy was checking all my boxes and more... oh excite!
"Looking forward to it" he rounded off the note with. Anyone who knows me, knows all too well that I would be gushing and having kittens by now - especially with those sparkling baby blues smiling at me! A few messages down the line about his perfect style, imagine my surprise when one Saturday night right before I was about to hop into bed I get a message asking me if I want to go out for a drink. I vommed in my mouth for 2 reasons - oh the excitement and oh gawd not more alcohol, I could still taste the vodka red bulls from the night before.
After much back and forth and checking what clothes I could throw together to ensure all those bicep curls I had been doing at the gym were worth something, I decided an impromptu drink with him and his friends was probably not the best way to introduce my charming self. We left it at "rain check" and I'm still waiting, still hoping and still convulsing over the tiniest thing. It's amazing what a boy can do I cannot stop myself! :)
Colour me crazy but it's the little moments like these that make all the boy drama and heart break so worth it. Boys - can't live with 'em. Can't live without 'em!

I Love You

2009-07-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a while... :)

28/12/09

2009-07-14T22:49:00.000-07:00

I wish I was embarking on some big journey. I have had 2 very close friends, pack up and ship out of this crazy place we call home, with a third to board the plane on Friday. I miss them and the life we led... but things change, we grow older and people move on.

Up until now, the thought of leaving town has always appeared almost idealistic... but having spoken about my dreams, desires and aspirations with close friends, strangers and anyone who will listen, the only thing that is stopping me is... myself.

My new thing this year was to be more open minded and optimistic - so with that I have set a date - December 28th. Come rain or come shine - that will be the first day of the rest of my life.

Bite. The. Bullet.